I'm new and need advice

Old 03-03-2016, 02:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
I'm new and need advice

I have been married for 20 years, however for the last year my husband and I have been separated. We have been living separately since last January. After 4 years of dealing with his alcoholism, I filed for divorce. He has not hit rock bottom, despite 3 detoxes, 2 inpatient rehabs, losing me and his daughters, and recently a DWI. In December he met a woman and moved in with her. He at the time had no job. He claims he loves her and she enables him to continue to drink. After his DWI, in car I was paying for and insuring, he asked me to postpone our divorce and we would try to work on things. I did as he asked, however he claims he has moved on though he will always care for me. Both of our daughters have told him either he gets sober and ditches the girlfriend or they want nothing to do with him. Why do I still cry for him? Why does he feel it is unfair for the girls to ask him for sobriety and to stop his relationship with his girlfriend?
Gerlinggirl70 is offline  
Old 03-03-2016, 03:27 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
because he's being a selfish jerk, with an alcohol problem and a midlife crises???

i'm really sorry, you don't deserve this. but now today, you can quit waiting for HIM to call the shots, and start directing your own life again.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 03-03-2016, 04:00 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I echo anvils words. You can continue to react to HIs life or you can create your own. Sounds like he's made his choice.
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 03-03-2016, 04:08 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think you still cry for him bc you were with him for several decades, raised a family and had hopes of your life with him.... Sounds to me like the boundaries you've set and those your kids have set with him too are clear and he's choosing to be a selfish, addict who prefers enabling to his family...

It's so sad and I am so sorry-- but you are doing right by yourself and your kids (no matter how old they are you're still a model for them) by saying no to his nonsense...

My heart goes out to you
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-03-2016, 05:52 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,887
Welcome to SR Gerlingerl and I am so very sorry for what you are suffering. Most of us here have experienced the excruciating pain you are experiencing. Losing a marriage requires a lot of grieving and it sounds like you are doing the hard work of feeling the pain which is the heart of grieving.

I hope you have a good support system and have at least tried a few Alanon meetings. Please take the best possible care of yourself: eat healthy, get some exercise, and stay hydrated. It will get better but it does take time.
Bekindalways is offline  
Old 03-03-2016, 11:02 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Flavia2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Take time to grieve but ask yourself why you keep expecting him to turn around and be decent to you and your girls, when a decent man wouldn't have treated you this way to begin with?

de·cent
ˈdēs(ə)nt/
adjective
1.
conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable or moral behavior.
Flavia2 is offline  
Old 03-04-2016, 09:17 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
I guess I feel guilty that I didn't try harder with him and that I was the epitome of a great wife. I want so badly to fix him and I just can't and then I feel worse. I am so hurt he chose a girlfriend over sobriety and his daughters.
Gerlinggirl70 is offline  
Old 03-04-2016, 09:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
I am so hurt he chose a girlfriend over sobriety and his daughters.
But do understand that it is HIS choice. He is an adult, and however stupid or misguided you may feel that choice is, he has every right to make it.

It seems to me that there are 2 parts to deal with separately here: One is your pain/sorrow for the end of a relationship that at one time held many hopes and dreams for you. That's legit, and you will need to feel the pain and sorrow and move thru them to heal. This reading (in 2 parts) might be helpful to you with this portion of the problem:
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

The other part of the problem is that you're hurt by the choice another adult made. It took me a long time to even begin to accept the idea that my A's choices were really none of my business. All I could attend to were my own choices. If I found that his choices were not congruent w/the life I wanted to live and w/the way I wanted to be treated, well, I could make a stink about how bad his choices were (which never changed a single thing) or I could start making choices for myself about my own life.

I hope you'll do as much reading as you can here, GG, and keep on coming back. It takes time to begin to see your way clear, and there are a ton of resources here to help you get on that path. Wishing you strength and clarity.
honeypig is offline  
Old 03-04-2016, 10:03 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
What I wanted to make clear, and didn't, in my post above was that his choices are about HIM and NOT about you. You didn't fail in any way. There is no way that "trying harder" would have changed a thing other than to stress you out even more. What exactly would you have "tried harder" at? Bending to his every whim? Protecting him from the consequences of his actions? Keeping him from having to act like a responsible adult, parent and partner?

Are any of those things something that you really think you should have to do as a condition of being married to someone?

As I said, read around the forum. There are plenty of threads of the "he chose his girlfriend over his family" variety, and you'll find a lot of great posts in those threads.

Sure, it's going to hurt. Hurt a LOT. But you're going to get over it and go on to a life that is so much better. Trust me. If you don't trust me, trust all the stories you see here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html
honeypig is offline  
Old 03-04-2016, 03:49 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I want so badly to fix him and I just can't and then I feel worse

We CANNOT fix others. It is not our JOB to fix others. just as no one can fix US. when we start looking at our partner as a "rehab project" of any sort and have a desire to CHANGE things about them, then we have slipped from a partnership to something else.

his prime directive is to KEEP DRINKING. and he found the easier softer way to do that. he isn't choosing the new woman OVER you or the kids, she's just a means to an end.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 03-04-2016, 04:03 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ exactly. Everyone is a means to an end for these types. You just no longer served a purpose in his life-you didn't enable so you are enemy number one. Sucks. I'm so sorry but you sound like your life is pretty darn good-you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 03-05-2016, 11:38 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I am sorry you are going through this and I feel you WILL get through and begin to feel like the winner you really are.

Many reasons for you to feel cruddy. Being married for 20 years is a long time and a LOT of investment. You've been a good wife and what are your "returns"? You are not getting out of it what you invested in it and that sucks and hurts at the same time. It's like losing hard earned money invested on a retirement account: really, really sucks, big time. But, I am not equating what you are going through and have gone through with money. Your feelings and self esteem are way more valuable than that.

When someone chooses addiction over us that's one thing. But when they ALSO choose another woman over us, that's a triple blow. It hurts so much it's hard to describe. We understand how that feels and how much it hurts, and on an intellectual level we KNOW it is not a reflection of our WORTH, but it is STILL hard to swallow. It's about feeling rejected, yes. But it's also about betrayal, loss and getting hit with more it all on more than one level.

I was once with an addict who was addicted to attention. And, reality is I could never give him enough attention. I was working my butt off in a full time plus overtime demanding stressful job and I was maxed out at times. I needed love and support myself; the right kind of attention. When I could not give him enough attention he sought it elsewhere. I was the bread winner and paying the bills. The relationship did not work out, it was sort of doomed from the beginning. It might have been different if he was also working and bringing in money. For one thing, he would have been busier like me with less time on his hands. He might have not felt such a need for attention, I don't know. But anyhow, I learned a lot of valuable lessons from that one relationship alone. He wanted it both ways or all sorts of ways, I dont' know. I wanted the good money I made and respected that about me, but he also took advantage of it and then took it for granted that I would always have a job, always work and always bring in good money. What a deal, huh?! But he also wanted the thrill and excitement of new attraction and then new love with someone who had more time on their hands to give it. I just felt so cheated and used and betrayed on so many levels it's not even funny. I worked so hard! And he liked the money but didn't appreciate how hard I worked for it.

That someone cannot seem to respect you enough to stay clean and sober and clean and sober for your mutual children really sucks, it really does. But you are a very respectable person who deserves love and respect. Stay strong.
teatreeoil007 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:13 AM.