My Wounds are So Deep
I've been with my AH since High School and we married 10 years later. I can't explain why I thought things would get better when grew older. He was using meth and heroin during out relationship but because I experimented with drugs myself and was able to quit on my own I figured he would too like all teenagers do! . I figured it was teenage thing that we would both grow out of, mind you, he was in and out of rehab and I was his only support and when we finally decided to get married I thought he had been clean for a while. Then during our honeymoon I discovered he was still using meth at which point he decided to go back to a sober living home and got the help he needed. Shortly after treatment we had an opportunity to buy a house out of state and so we moved and the next 5 years were the best: he managed to stay sober, we had a child and I thought for sure my child would be the shield he needed to keep him sober forever. and at the same time, I was feeling homesick and we made the decision to move: we had baby #2, my AH completed a Bachelor's degree and graduated as the Valedictorian for his class, we've traveled to amazing places and put our kids into sports. Well it was at our 8 year old's Football league where he met the one person who he claims insisted more than once and my AH finally gave in. After more than 10 years of being sober he relapsed. At this point he's been using 5 months and I'm re-living the past except now I have 2 boys who adore him but at the same time, it angers me soon deeply that they weren't enough to keep him strong and sober. I have so many emotions running through my veins. I went to some NA meetings with him then we stopped because I didn't think that was a good idea, so I went to Naranon meetings but when he said he was seeking treatment his schedule interfered with my naranon meetings so I stopped going and he eventually stopped going. And just as things seem to be looking brighter I make the mistake of asking about his use and we're back to where we started (me feeling hopeless, sad, why me? my kids deserve better because I have the best boys in the world, etc.) now I feel emotionally drained and needed to vent somehow so thank you for letting me share my story. Where we are today is I had promised him to move forward and I would try my best to not ask him of his recent past drug use because I didn't think he was actively using and I told him I would only bring it up if I felt he needed help and low and behold, I read a txt message to his boss telling him he had another argument with me and he , 3 hours later after I saw him leave the house!! So I tried to be as calm as possible and asked him to take a drug test for me so I could move forward from this and he acted defensive but he agreed to do it and of course, it came back positive for Meth. And after more lies (on his end) and all the arguing he called me in the room and asked me to help him find a recovery place. I'm at a loss, idk what to look for, I have Kaiser and I'm not sure how that works so I'll call them later today and I also needed to know if anyone is aware of a family session because we all need the support. My kids don't know but I want to learn coping skills so that I maintain my healthy relationship with my boys. Any advice is helpful and welcome. Thank you all very much for taking the time to read my story.