Thank you, atalose, for your thoughtful words and your story.
Originally posted by atalose:
It’s very hard losing anyone we’ve grown close and comfortable with. I am sorry you lost your friend and must say it is actually him who has the greater loss here, he’s lost you a great friend.
You said it well. "Close and comfortable" was exactly what it was. Sitting on the sofa with our feet up watching TV with the cat, his or mine, depending on where we were. Never cuddling, but close like buddies. Close in heart and mind. Very comfortable.
Unfortunately after he quit using I wasn't as comfortable with him, partly because I saw him so seldom that being together was like having begin all over again feeling so much at home with him, and then he was either in a bad mood or tired or VERY irritable. I learned 99 buttons not to touch, then I'd push one I didn't even know was there, and he'd explode. Not physically, thank God, but in words. Or sulks.
I really appreciate that you said he has suffered the greater loss, losing me.
I don't know about that,
, but I will say I think he's the one missing out too. He said he enjoyed being with me, when he was with me he could relax and just be himself and be honest. That to me was a compliment and I never betrayed that. Why would I want to? I wanted what was best for him. For me, I wanted to be with him, so that was best for me. When he was feeling good and being nice.
The last thing he wrote on that ugly note he sent me at New Year's was that he would always love me and he missed his friend. The first part just made no sense to me, because saying what he said to me was not loving at all. The second part made me think, "Well, hey, dude, if you miss me you know what to do about it."
But after the first time he sent me such an ugly note, last fall, I got scared because he was making absolutely no sense and I didn't want to deal with the unpredictably of his anger anymore, so I told him not to call me or text me anymore. Just leave me alone.
I'd give anything if I could take those words back, because knowing him I know how much they must have hurt him. And being hurt, he would be very angry. Very defensive.
But I said them because I couldn't deal with any more attacks of anger out of the blue.
I also like your Rose Kennedy quote. She understood stuff too.