I do not want this friend the way he was when he was using.
I "thought" that when he stopped using he would feel better. He would be more positive about his life. He would be more relaxed, and happier. He would have more money! (which he wanted to have). I did not know that quitting would make him more paranoid, stressed out, and easily angered. I thought he would be proud of himself. I told him I was proud of him. I thought that we would be able to spend more time together and do more things together because he would have a budget for just good clean fun activities.
He has not, to my knowledge, been hanging out with any sort of support group or mentor or anyone like that. He never participated in any of the group meetings, just saw his therapist, got his dose, went to work. He did not have any friends to hang out with except me, and then he dumped me. I was neither a using buddy nor a judge who condemned him for his lifestyle.
He was like my brother. That is how we talked about it. I was "family" to him. Yes, I was in love with him for about 2 1/2 hours one spring evening but when I got over that I was able to relax and enjoy just being friends with none of the stress and ups and downs of a romantic relationship. And he never knew about the 2 1/2 hours because we weren't together.
So yes. I miss the friend I enjoyed hanging out with. I do not miss knowing he was out using, worrying about him, wondering if he was safe. He was using for a LONG time before I ever met him. When he was using (when he wasn't rightly being paranoid and scared) he looked great, he felt good, he dressed well, he could be happy and a lot of fun. That is the friend I miss. I never saw him actually "using" so all I knew was the smart, funny, fun, interesting friend.
The day he got so angry at me, and the day he accused me of horrible things I never did, were almost exactly a year (to the day) after he started going to the clinic to get off the illegal drug and get on one that is legal and that had worked for him in the past.
That is as plain as I know how to make it.
Thank you again for your kindness and your post.
Last edited by cece1960; 03-02-2016 at 07:49 AM.