Firesong

I don't know why I still want to be friends with someone who hates me.

Four months now. I thought his anger would blow over by Christmas and we would get back together, the way true friends do

But it is the end of February, and nothing.

I tell myself to get over him but the problem is I still don't want to give up on him. I saw a pic of him the other day, with a couple of his buddies, one of whom was one of his actively-using buddies. He looks great in the pic, on the outside, but he always looks great on the outside. It made me realize I have no idea if he's clean and happy or using and "happy."

And it doesn't matter whether I can tell or not. I don't matter to him anymore. I still don't get it. I don't get how you can just dump your best friend but it happens all the time, people even dump their spouses. Love turns to hate.

But four months of this and I cannot stop caring. I try. I really do try. But I can't do it.

My life is full of can'ts these days and he was one of the friends who actually helped me to be able to do some things -- he was a friend, with him I could do some things I couldn't do on my own or with anyone else. Good things.

Now, in addition to all the other things I can't do, I can't get past this.
I want to. I try. But I can't.

And that's starting to scare me. It's like a wild animal that's always there, ready to jump out and attack me. And I can't get away from it.