Hi StayStrong33 - thanks for your post. The basis of my recovery has been the 12 steps. As part of my recovery I got quite active with a church. I volunteer at a weekly early morning service, serve in an altar guild and am part of the church's book club. The problem I have had lately is that I have been increasingly religiously busy but less and less spiritually connected. It is exactly that loss of connection and weakening faith that was starting to cause problems and
frustration. My sponsor, who is very active in the same church, was actually the one who suggested I start trying different things to see what actually connects me to God instead of just doing the right religious things.
I am the product of an ultra conservative fundamentalist Christian background from which I was formally excommunicated, so matters of faith can feel a bit complicated. I am drawn to faith, but the way I was raised my ideas of faith can tend to drag me into an unhealthy place of authoritarianism, rigidity, and dogmatism. My perfectionism comes into play because I was excommunicated for not being good enough, so I carry a deep seated fear of faith based rejection.
What I am trying to do is understand that faith isn't about a church or religiosity which is why this weekend I attempted to experience God through nature, art and music. I had a moment while hiking where God became very present, and while meditating yesterday I had an experience of touching my understanding of God after letting a bunch of layers of "I" get quiet. When I have those experiences then my spirit gets quiet and I'm at peace and okay just the way I am. My prayer or desire is that I carry that experience into my every day life on a more regular and continuing basis. That will take some dedication to a practice, and I think that may be a different kind of spiritual practice than the one I'm doing out of the "right thing to do" way of thinking.