Notices

Feeling scared and anxious

Old 02-26-2016, 12:32 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Feeling scared and anxious

I slowly woke up about a half an hour ago wanting to get high. That kind of gave me an anxiety attack. I've been laying in bed while it slowly goes away, and now I just feel edgy and awake.

Monday will be 2 years since I last got high. Not so much got high as tried to get high by downing maybe 7 pills I bought from some random at a sketchy night club. I had already drank so much vodka I should have been unconscious save for all the Red Bull energy drinks I was guzzling to keep myself going. The pills were bunk and nothing much happened, but it was the realization the morning after that I could have OD'd and died that got me started on the road sobriety.

I attend occasional AA meetings, I have a sponsor, I've done the 12 steps, I read on SR every day. My sobriety has been strong for the last year, but something is happening. In the past couple of weeks I've almost decided to drink on several occasions, and now tonight I had this strong craving to get high. Alcohol cravings are mostly a short-lived mild annoyance, but drugs are a whole other ball game. It's a deep, primal slowly gathering feeling of need that builds over days and weeks with a growing insistence on satisfaction.

I don't know how not to try to be perfect: the perfect husband, the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect employee, the perfect friend, the perfect manager at work, the perfect parishioner, etc. I do okay for awhile and then life becomes this tightly wound ball of bondage to trying to get it all just right. Instead of just allowing myself to be a broken and human and reach out to others I try to carry it all myself and find reasons to blame or fault myself for everything that even remotely goes wrong.

Finally something has to break, and a chemical haze does it for a couple of hours where I can breathe a sigh of relief and just either feel really good or not feel at all. There's no actual part of getting drunk or high that appeals to me when I actually think about it. The pleasure was lost years ago. The reality is anxious come ups and edgy highs and nightmare come downs, but it's the memory of those first few times of chemical bliss and escape that are an illusion my primitive brain is chasing. I can't ever get that back or experience that again - my rational mind knows that but something deeper cries out for it anyway.

Alcohol and drugs cannot be an option as a coping mechanism. I can't drink or use drugs no matter how I may feel - that's a foundation of my sobriety. I've always been solid on that but now feel a bit shaky because I'm not sure willpower and resolve alone can endure the storm if I don't find a healthy way to deal with the realities of life and my human weaknesses and tendencies.

Any support or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Lance40 is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 12:39 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I've needed to find a way to let go of this illusion that I just want to and have to be super woman... Its like there needs to be a break through of sorts without a breakdown .
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 12:42 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Meraviglioso's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Lance, it is great that you posted. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I know that feeling of need, of wanting to just escape from everything for a while, though as you say, it is never the case. It is never as good as the idea makes it out to be and then of course there are all the negative consequences to deal with in addition to the original issues.

I apologise if you have mentioned this before, my memory is not so great, but do you have a substitute outlet? Can you take some time for yourself to go for a run or work out, or maybe put on some of your favourite music and turn off all the lights? I sometimes like to put on one or two particular songs, turn off all the lights and lay on the bare floor just focussing on the music. It helps to tune out everything else. Something about being on the floor helps too, not in a bed or on the couch. It is just me and the music.

I don't have much else useful to add but I did want to lend my support and let you know that I am thinking of you.
Meraviglioso is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 12:55 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Thanks for the replies. They are helping me feel a bit better, so I'm going to try to get some sleep and face this with a fresh set of eyes in the morning.

I'm not actually sure that I have a good outlet. I am a bit of an amateur chef and like to cook Indian and Southeast Asian cuisine. I also am studying Mandarin Chinese. These are things I really enjoy but I'm not sure they are the type of outlets you are describing because they can have their own stresses and challenges. I don't think I have any real "down time" outlets so you have some good ideas that I think may be helpful for me to consider.
Lance40 is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 12:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Meraviglioso's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
This is one of my go-to songs when I feel like I can't handle things. Even the breath at the beginning calms me and sets the stage for the next 6 minutes. It is really best listened to with no other stimuli, lights out, cold, bare floor.
Meraviglioso is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 01:30 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,049
Hi Lance

I was addicted to both booze and pot - while I got a handle on my desire for booze relatively quickly, it took me much longer to stop desiring weed.

The bottom line is tho - thoughts are thoughts. I think to a large extent they are involuntary.

Wants are wants too - sometimes we have wants that are self destructive.

the important thing is not if we have them or not - but how we respond to them.

For the past tweo years you've responded well. There's no reason to think that has changed.

If you think you need to beef up your recovery a little, of course by all means do just that - but you're doing this recovery thing and you shouldn't doubt yourself about that

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 04:25 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
strategery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
You need to start trying to come to acceptance that being perfect is impossible and try to challenge your perceptions about how you're feeling. It's not easy though. I've been working on this myself for awhile now and can relate to the guilt.
An outlet such as physical activity or music can be very helpful and is where I've found solace from those thoughts.

Keep on hanging in there.
strategery is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 04:31 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
D's link on urgesurfing has helped thousands I've seen ppl repeatedly say this works

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

These 2 links have been saving peoples sobriety long before I even got sober they will stand the test of time & are really worth practising if you wanna talk drop a pm i'm around its ok your not going to be alone through this

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

These really work you have my word
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 02-26-2016, 08:26 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Quick update: thanks everyone for the replies and pm's. After I logged off SR it feels like I was able to get maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I'm feeling a bit tired and washed out this morning and am running late for work, so my response will be a bit brief. I needed to hear that it's my response and actions that define my sobriety, not how I feel or the thoughts I have. I'm also going to try urge surging to be more mindful about some of the thoughts I've been having the last couple of weeks. My approach has been to sit back with a more passive stance of denial instead of acknowledging them and then letting them go. I think it's also important that I'm sharing about what's going on. Just talking about things and getting them in the open has a way of starting to clear the air.
Lance40 is offline  
Old 02-28-2016, 04:46 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mac1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 290
Hi Lance.
Sounds to me that you're already doing well in terms of recovery. Like you I suffered quite badly from cravings but I did find urge-surfing helped a lot.

One of the things that I also learned from my aftercare group is that its absolutely fine to experience cravings - its normal even years into recovery. Its how you react that matters. I had long spells with no problems at all and suddenly the cravings were back for no obvious reason. Instead of facing the reality that I wanted a drink I would try anything to avoid even thinking about it. At meetings instead of opening up and sharing how I was feeling I would just say that things were fine. When I finally managed to tell the group how I was really feeling it was such a relief.

And if you can - try to go a bit easier on yourself - like everyone, you'll have good days and bad days. None of us are perfect
Mac1 is offline  
Old 02-28-2016, 05:04 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,673
Remember that thoughts don't have to become actions.
least is offline  
Old 02-28-2016, 10:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Thanks for the additional responses - they are helpful. I've had a good weekend of getting refocused.

Yesterday I did some relaxation exercises with music and also found a YouTube guided meditation. We also got out for a day in nature and hiked in a mossy green rain forest type setting up to a waterfall. Today I went to a group meditation and then to a new exhibition at the art gallery. I had gotten in quite a rut, and all of that to-energized me and gave me a new perspective.

Sometimes not drinking starts to make me think I'm weak or a loser, but this morning when reading a list of celebrities who are sober I felt really validated because some of the ones I really look up to are on the list and I had no idea, especially someone like Tim McGraw who says he is innately shy and for years never performed without some kind of substance in him. To know that people who seem to have it all together go through the same stuff made me realize that sobriety is an honourable and desirable way to live life.
Lance40 is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 02:01 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Excellent post your hike sounded amazing & I use meditation videos on YouTube they are very helpful great post
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 06:02 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 214
Lance, forgive me if you have already mentioned your stance on faith but your original post reminds me SO much of myself. The perfectionism and inability to cope with life on life's terms. I found relief by giving faith in God a shot. I now have a very strong faith and it is literally everything I was missing in those days when trying to be perfect was failing miserably. It's an awfully lonely place to be - in your head with all these expectations and standards. I needed an unconditional love that no one, not even myself, is capable of giving 24/7. Taking up hobbies and filling our time is great but for a perfectionist like me, there was always an idle moment where I felt something was still missing. Faith and the 12 steps has allowed me to face and accept my shortcomings and life itself. Let me know if you want to talk more
StayStrong33 is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 06:59 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Hi StayStrong33 - thanks for your post. The basis of my recovery has been the 12 steps. As part of my recovery I got quite active with a church. I volunteer at a weekly early morning service, serve in an altar guild and am part of the church's book club. The problem I have had lately is that I have been increasingly religiously busy but less and less spiritually connected. It is exactly that loss of connection and weakening faith that was starting to cause problems and
frustration. My sponsor, who is very active in the same church, was actually the one who suggested I start trying different things to see what actually connects me to God instead of just doing the right religious things.

I am the product of an ultra conservative fundamentalist Christian background from which I was formally excommunicated, so matters of faith can feel a bit complicated. I am drawn to faith, but the way I was raised my ideas of faith can tend to drag me into an unhealthy place of authoritarianism, rigidity, and dogmatism. My perfectionism comes into play because I was excommunicated for not being good enough, so I carry a deep seated fear of faith based rejection.

What I am trying to do is understand that faith isn't about a church or religiosity which is why this weekend I attempted to experience God through nature, art and music. I had a moment while hiking where God became very present, and while meditating yesterday I had an experience of touching my understanding of God after letting a bunch of layers of "I" get quiet. When I have those experiences then my spirit gets quiet and I'm at peace and okay just the way I am. My prayer or desire is that I carry that experience into my every day life on a more regular and continuing basis. That will take some dedication to a practice, and I think that may be a different kind of spiritual practice than the one I'm doing out of the "right thing to do" way of thinking.
Lance40 is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 07:07 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberLeigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,775
Hi, Lance. I am sorry that I am so late to this thread.

Great to see that your powered through those urges and cravings. It was painful to experience those but you became stronger as a result.

There's a huge difference between perfectionism and doing the best you can; perfectionism brings anxiety and stress. Doing the best you can brings satisfaction and pride.

A huge congratulations on two years of sobriety and recovery, Lance.

Well done.
SoberLeigh is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 07:21 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,201
I am touched by your last share Lance. It's
so nice to see and hear how others grow daily
in recovery.

To see the faces in meetings or in passing
change from stress, fear, uncertain to complete
peace, faith, serenity. What an awesome gift
of recovery to live each day with wisdom,
experiences and hope.

As a Catholic born, raised and taught, it
is my entering recovery 25 yrs ago and
living a recovery life with steps, principles
as well as the 10 Commandments, all
to the best of my human ability, I too
continue to grow with spiritual progress.

Riding free in the wind with the sun on
my shoulders and wind in my face on the
road of recovery to a happy destiny.
aasharon90 is online now  
Old 02-29-2016, 07:34 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
One Day At A Time
 
Dharma33's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Congrats on your sobriety, Lance!
Dharma33 is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 08:35 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
C23
Resident Awesome Guy
 
C23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Castle Pines, CO
Posts: 747
WOW!

I really needed to read this thread today Lance. I was just texting my wife telling her that things aren't going great at work and I am stressing out big time. On the verge of tears I told her that maybe she would be better off with a different husband who didn't have so many problems. She told me to breathe, relax, and understand that things will not always go as perfect as I want them to. I see a therapist regularly and I have learned that Perfectionism is a true mental problem. I sometimes forget that my religious and spiritual faith has taught me that there is only one perfect soul, and I'm not him. Things will happen and we just have to make the best of it.

Thanks for sharing and I hope you have a continued blessed journey.
C23 is offline  
Old 02-29-2016, 09:10 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Yorkshire, Great Britain
Posts: 205
Lance you should be proud of yourself! Well done hun xx
spadge is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:16 AM.