Wow powerful responses thank you all sooo much. Looked up Matthew 25:40 and trying to compare AH to Christ is sometimes kinda difficult. "Anything you did for even the least of my people here, you slo did for me." reading on to 25:45... "Anything you refuse to do for me..." Yes, I see that how I treat him as very important. I'm right now cooking for dinner so we can sit down and discuss things hopefully rationally.
Oh and proverbs literally had me laughing big time... Can I substitute "Do not join those who drink too much wine" with Bud Lite???? And he angers quickly when it comes to me... Oh boy a rightious man? I don't think so...a good man, yes I believe he can be... What I truley believe is that he only needs to humble himself to ask for help, which his pride will not let him. He's not a believer even though he has gone to church with me only to pacify me. He pretended to be interested in counceling but that was another pacifier for me. He thought it was one-sided directed completely at him being at fault for all our problems. I certainly didn't think so because the conselor made it clear to me that I'd been doing some things to provoke him and LOTS more than that!
We have had some pretty happy times in the past together, but we've grown so far apart. Conversations that are not arguments are a rarity. It's not even important to me whose fault it is. I only know that his actions tell me that he does not love me. His voice says it is so, but his actions are very self-centered as that of any other person struggling with alcoholism. If I knew that he would have a horrible disease when I married him, I know without a doubt I would have still married him. I have a feeling however that if this were any other disease, he would want to do something about it. He would not ignore cancer if he had it, or any other ailment. He never ignores his hangovers...
It is true that only I can make the decision. When I tell him that I'm going that I've made up my mind to go, he asked for a week for me to stay here with him so we can sort out the legalities etc. I needed to do this for myself so I am staying for the week. Then he seems to think that I've changed my mind and planning on staying forever.... ugh. I've found that it is truely possible to love and hate the same person at the same time. While part of me really wants to cancel the appt. with the atty. I feel that my rational side is winning the arguement and won't let me call. Even if this does not end in a divorce I still need to have the knowledge of what I'm getting myself into here. Back to my hamster wheel here! Anyone who reads this please say some prayers for me that the conversation with him is constructive and that we together can come up with a solution. I want off this hamster wheel, I'm way to big for it and it's cramping my style here! I make decisions and then regret them. I've made some huge mistakes in my life and don't want to make yet another...
The best to all of you in all your stuggles as well,
Hugs,
~Faithchaser