Question about separation, and me venting

Old 07-11-2005, 08:53 AM
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Ugh!
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Angry Question about separation, and me venting



Hey awsome SR people!
I have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday. As some of you know divorce really goes against my grain... Christian beliefs. From what I understand there is no real need for a "legal separation" unless you are worried about the financial implications, and in IL there really is no legal separation? Not sure on that one, and atty told me (sis) over the weekend that I would need to start divorce proceedings and put them in what she called a "stay" I think. She said a legal separation costs as much as a divorce anyway. So, what the AH came up with ,was for me to save some money by keeping all my possessions here, not purchasing a storage unit, and paying for a moving van etc. until we decided for sure that #1 we would be going through with a divorce and or #2 if we do divorce, I have a place to move my things to. (I'm moving into the folks house). The other issue is that we are planning to sell the home and divide the proceeds if we divorce or not. The house would look simply awful without my decor (ha ha). We are making an inventory of everything in the home and deciding who's is what's etc. and signing the agreement with a witness. So, I'm not sure if this is just another manipulation on his part? I'll ask the atty on Wednesday if this homemade list/ separation agreement will fly in court if he should do something stupid... I'm feeling guilty because I know I have not been the "perfect wife" I know I've done some very stupid things that have hurt our marriage. It's not just him with the alcohol and drugs that have messed us up, I guess it takes two to break it too. We're great freinds but horrible partners if that makes any sense. I wish I could get past the morality thing and just move on like everyone else does. I think sometimes I've just lost my mind, he's a great guy and I'm over-reacting. I want to stop going round in circles!!! I've been doing this for years now and I know it's insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. One of my freinds told me last night that I have to either accept him and love him how he is right now or leave. My answer is that I cannot accept him, he's nice when it suits him, but I do love him... maybe I have a warped idea of love and confuse it with committment and caretaking, ten years is a long time to spend with one person for me and he's been my only long term relationship as an adult. I know I have to go away from him. I just don't know if all of this is "normal" what I'm feeling I mean... I started packing and got sick, literally sick. It's my nature to take care of things so I cleaned the house, took care of one of our sick dogs, who is bleeding all over the white carpet, cleaned up after him.
Spent the entire weekend alone while he was gone fishing. I have been totally isolated. He was excited to go left on Sat right after work and they got up at 3 am to go. They drank all day into the night. He called me and asked me to meet them, this was at about 6pm night. I could tell they were all sloshed and making a three hour journey back to IL. I said I was busy but I would call them in about 15 minutes when I decided what I wanted to do. I tried to call back, no answer. The other wives were calling me to find out whether I had heard from them. Nope, and hour and a half goes by still no word, none of them are picking up their cell phones. I'm thinking something awful has happend. I am imagining his funeral and burying the dog next to him. I'm imagining the awful car wreck and hoping that all the others are okay, between them there are seven children....I'm hoping they just drove off the road and didn't hurt anyone else! The other wives are worried too but not like me... go figure.. about that time one of the other ladies calls to tell me they are fine and that I should probably come and get him because its a 45 minute drive for him to come back, He said he couldn't call me because his phone was dead! NO he couldn't bother to ask someone if he could use theirs! so I went to pick him up so he wouldn't drive. I have to save the world and himself from this drunk driver!!!!! He agreed to ride with me and I'd drive him back in the morning... when we went to leave and he hopped in his truck and drove off. Nobody paid any attention to him getting in his car to drive I was disgusted and couldn't do a thing. I had wasted 2 hours of my night to try to keep him off the road and he just hops in his truck and drives off!!!! He got lost on the way home. Secretly I hoped he would crash. Then the guilt kicks in that I had these thoughts....is there help for me????

Well, stay or go stay or go...geesh round and round I go where she stops nobody knows but I'm driving myself nutty! From those of you out there that have left, did you find some peace of mind? I'm definately leaving and I know it'll be hard but I don't know how to stop wanting to take care of everything!

Okay I've babbled enough and thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've actually read this!!!!!

Gigantic Huge Hugs,
~FaithChaser aka circus clown
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Old 07-11-2005, 09:55 AM
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I struggle often with Matthew 25:40 and A's. Are they the "least" in God's eyes?

And I understand you took a vow "before God and these witnesses"...it's hard when your faith is deep to see around or over that.

As I've said here, I've been seeing someone since Feb. Very chaste. Very friendship oriented. We've done the daily "Purpose Driven Life" together, we go to church together, we have bible studies together. He once gave me a list of verses from Proverbs that he felt represented the traits of a "good man". I'll share that list here with you: Proverbs 20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9, 14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11, 12:18; 15:1-2,4. Do these thing describe your other half?

I have no idea what's best for you. I suspect if you give it to God (HP), an answer may come. Attend al-anon. Check your church, many have biblical based recovery programs. Seek answers and ye shall find.

(((Faithchaser)))
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Old 07-11-2005, 10:30 AM
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Sometimes one has to divorce. It is my understanding that GOD forgives everything except blashphamey(sp) You know what I mean. We ask forgivness, and then don't do it again. OK to remarry, but be more sure next time. Many very young people marry and for all the wrong reason's etc. You do know God forgives, We just cannot forgive ourselves.

So now the thing is, if he were to injure someone in a wreak, are you well covered with insurance.????

equs had a good post. can you click on and bring up all her posts. Sorta said, if you knew he would get cancer one day, would you have married him anyway, etc.

Have you ever seen another man you could love??. In my case case it was no.

If in your gut you need to be free then it is right for you, and I would be all for it.
If not sure then I would maybe coast, UNLESS THERE IS PHYSICAL ABUSE, then getting out is best.
We are people that seem to love too much, or what is it???

I only know my own feelings of course, and mine did not do a lot of drunk driving.
I rode with him many times and he had built up such a tolorance that he seemed to do very well and no speeding etc. I f your's is reckless and becomes angry behind the wheel then that is really scarey.

Have you made a list on what is good and what is unbearable.

If no physical abuse and you do love him, I would think a triall seperation would be the way to go. Just my thoughts, How long have you been in recovery???
Have you had really happy and fun times??

Males are so diff from females, a lot to learn there too.
We would all be better off if we all really studied that with an open mind. I think men accept the diff better than we do. but they are soo diff there are things they cannot cope with. or do. So if we can accept some of that and then do for ourselves.
I gotta go, Prob this makes no sense and wish I would have read all your posts before I got on here. Just know I care, and maybe I favor the A. So take what you can use if anything . LV YA clancy46
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Old 07-11-2005, 11:06 AM
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Hi Faithchaser..

I can 100% understand where you are coming from. I am right now battling a tug of war inside my head on do I go? or do I stay?

I myself am a caretaker and feel that if I am not here to take care of things, they won't get done. But then my "other brain" says..he is an adult. He knows what he has to do..he just knows I'll do it. Taking advantage of me and my love for him.

My AH is 90 days sober and is trying the 90 meetings in 90 days. He reads the daily readings of NA and is very dedicated. Anything that has to do with himself..of course he'll participate. He right now seems to think he is fine. No problems with him. Hello????? He is 90 days sober, he may as well be 1 week sober. He has got his little toe in the water and the "I know everything" addict mentality is all up front. He tells me the deadline in which, if we are not happy. Example: Everytime we get in an arguement, there is always a threat. I wait for it. It's always the same one. "If we are not better in 6 mos, we have real problems" or "If we can't get it together in the next month, I'm not dealing with this anymore." In one aspect, I truly feel that he knows he has something good with me. He won't go anywhere. Who else would stay with him during this period of finding himself and figuring out sane behavior from bizarre behavior?

Back to the point. I am struggling with just leaving him. We were good at one time, we haven't been for a while. Will it get better? I'm not sure. Will we be happy again? I'm not sure. Do I have time to wait? I will miss my opportunity to have kids.... I have been in recovery for 1 year, but only have made 6 al anon meetings. I find it depresses me. I want to speak to a couple that made it through all this behavior and how they are now. That would give me hope.

Sorry Faithchaser..I guess through your story I feel so familar, I got lost in a tangent.

I truly believe that the only person who can look out for your best interest is you. You have the power to make it happen. You have the power to do what you want. I want to get away, but when I get away, I want to be near him. I have an on-going battle..it seems you have made a decison. That in some way will create peace for you. You have decided. You can do whatever you want to do. You have a choice. You made it.

I hope I have helped in some way. I am going through such similar thoughts and feelings that I'm not sure if I can help in any way. Just know I do care and I do feel for you. Get your focus back on you!

I wish you the best.
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Old 07-11-2005, 01:02 PM
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O my

I am sorry for your situation Faith.

You need legal advice pronto. I am glad you are seeking it. The house and your posessions need to be protected. How about cars and bank accounts?

No matter how friendly the 2 of you are now..that is mever the case when ego's are injured.

Years ago..
My legal separation in Md. lasted 5 years before I divorced. Wise move for me!

God will guide you but know your options before you take action.

Blessings...
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Old 07-11-2005, 02:59 PM
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Ugh!
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Wow powerful responses thank you all sooo much. Looked up Matthew 25:40 and trying to compare AH to Christ is sometimes kinda difficult. "Anything you did for even the least of my people here, you slo did for me." reading on to 25:45... "Anything you refuse to do for me..." Yes, I see that how I treat him as very important. I'm right now cooking for dinner so we can sit down and discuss things hopefully rationally.
Oh and proverbs literally had me laughing big time... Can I substitute "Do not join those who drink too much wine" with Bud Lite???? And he angers quickly when it comes to me... Oh boy a rightious man? I don't think so...a good man, yes I believe he can be... What I truley believe is that he only needs to humble himself to ask for help, which his pride will not let him. He's not a believer even though he has gone to church with me only to pacify me. He pretended to be interested in counceling but that was another pacifier for me. He thought it was one-sided directed completely at him being at fault for all our problems. I certainly didn't think so because the conselor made it clear to me that I'd been doing some things to provoke him and LOTS more than that!
We have had some pretty happy times in the past together, but we've grown so far apart. Conversations that are not arguments are a rarity. It's not even important to me whose fault it is. I only know that his actions tell me that he does not love me. His voice says it is so, but his actions are very self-centered as that of any other person struggling with alcoholism. If I knew that he would have a horrible disease when I married him, I know without a doubt I would have still married him. I have a feeling however that if this were any other disease, he would want to do something about it. He would not ignore cancer if he had it, or any other ailment. He never ignores his hangovers...
It is true that only I can make the decision. When I tell him that I'm going that I've made up my mind to go, he asked for a week for me to stay here with him so we can sort out the legalities etc. I needed to do this for myself so I am staying for the week. Then he seems to think that I've changed my mind and planning on staying forever.... ugh. I've found that it is truely possible to love and hate the same person at the same time. While part of me really wants to cancel the appt. with the atty. I feel that my rational side is winning the arguement and won't let me call. Even if this does not end in a divorce I still need to have the knowledge of what I'm getting myself into here. Back to my hamster wheel here! Anyone who reads this please say some prayers for me that the conversation with him is constructive and that we together can come up with a solution. I want off this hamster wheel, I'm way to big for it and it's cramping my style here! I make decisions and then regret them. I've made some huge mistakes in my life and don't want to make yet another...
The best to all of you in all your stuggles as well,

Hugs,
~Faithchaser
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Old 07-11-2005, 03:15 PM
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the book getting them sober has lots of good stuff esp. book number four about separations. you are allowed to take as much time away from him as you need. if a separation is what you need then take it-that is what i am doing right now.
and yes it is going to be an emotional rollercoaster i can tell-however, there is much good happening .
just this weekend i had a minor panic on friday afternoon-the keep up with the drinkers panic-like i have no life unless i am drinking. but then, i thought about it, looked around and relaxed-i don't have any drunkards in my back yard!! i don't have to worry about any lowlifes coming around my house and stealing anything! life is good! and we enjoyed the weekend in a normal manner! i saw all around me normal healthy people-when i went to the store- and began to think that normal healthy people may go to the store on saturdays with their spouses because they are not obsessed with GETTING THAT DRINK!!
and when i don't see him- i keep my equalibrium fairly well, and am beginning to feel more like myself.
another good point that helps me to relax is to be reminded that -if your relationship is meant to be then it will be-in God's time. so there- i don't have to Worry about it because if it is meant to be it will work out. and if not- God has something better planned for me. and i trust that. in fact faith i have a printout of one of your other posts pinned right here by my computer where myself and the world can read it. i am not sure who wrote it but it starts out with 'OK I'd say you found the faith you were chasing. First, that God loves you and he won't let you be unhappy. .....'
you will be ok. just keep posting! we're right here with you!
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Old 07-12-2005, 07:40 AM
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Aw thank you Escpae Artist! Just what I needed to hear to start my day!

Hugs,
~Faithchaser
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Old 07-12-2005, 11:59 AM
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"Do not join those who drink too much wine"
In some versions it says "spirits". I'm sure in some very modern version it could easily say "Bud Lite". hahaha

Have you discussed this with your pastor/an elder/a priest/a nun/ward chairman...whatever your church calls it's leadership? They may be able to help you sort this all out as well.

I agree with most everyone else...gather all the information available to you-until you know what's possible, how can you know what to do????
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Old 07-12-2005, 07:32 PM
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Faith, it is incredibily strong of you to make this move to separation. You know what, you can file for divorce, and wait and see what happens. You aren't going to be divorced tomorrow, so try not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. This separation will hopefully give you some time to really start feeling like a normal human being again. That is a good thing. You can think about divorce, later down the road as the date gets closer.
My attorney, here in Kansas told me the same thing about a legal separation. Unless you are very concerned about financial things, and him ruining your future financially, then it would be a waste of money to get a legal sep. That is a decision only you can make.
Take care, and I hope you can find some peace and contenment in this "new" life.
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Old 07-13-2005, 09:01 PM
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Just when I think I'm in a situation that no one else can relate to. . . I find a posting such as this. Faith. . . I'm exactly where you're at. My husband has stopped drinking for 3 weeks now and sometimes I wonder why I prayed for it so bad. He's not serving as a father, he's not serving as a husband, he's not serving as my lover, he's not serving as anything but a lump that sits on the couch in front of the TV and don't mumble a word to me or anyone else (including our daughter) for that matter. I prayed so hard for him to stop drinking. Miracleously it happened. . . haven't figured that one out yet. But now there's a huge wall between us and sometimes he treats me as though I'm the devil. There's no hugging, no loving, no communication, no acknowledgement of any kind.

I did go see a lawyer (twice). I asked about my rights. I asked about the process because I was scared to death that he would get some sort of custody over our child which I didn't want if he was still drinking. It was as though he knew I was seeing a lawyer because the minute I came home, he had "changed". At the time, when he was still drinking, I had made up my mind to divorce him. The decision was made. It took a while, but finally the answer was an easy one. He wasn't going to change and I wasn't going to live like that. But now I've been proven wrong. Now that he's stopped, I don't feel that it's justified anymore. It's like I'm in a worse situation than I was before (even though it's probably the same situation, isn't it. . . just to a different level). I'm back to not knowing what to do. It's no longer obvious to me.

Anyhow. . . I know I'm rambling and I appreciate you being here because I honestly do not even know how I feel anymore. I was so focused on ways to get him to stop drinking that now that it's happened, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know how to deal with him like this. I only know how to deal with him when he's drunk.

Then I wonder, is life supposed to be THIS hard?

Best wishes to you all. . . you're in my thoughts and prayers daily.
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