Question about separation, and me venting
Hey awsome SR people!
I have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday. As some of you know divorce really goes against my grain... Christian beliefs. From what I understand there is no real need for a "legal separation" unless you are worried about the financial implications, and in IL there really is no legal separation? Not sure on that one, and atty told me (sis) over the weekend that I would need to start divorce proceedings and put them in what she called a "stay" I think. She said a legal separation costs as much as a divorce anyway. So, what the AH came up with ,was for me to save some money by keeping all my possessions here, not purchasing a storage unit, and paying for a moving van etc. until we decided for sure that #1 we would be going through with a divorce and or #2 if we do divorce, I have a place to move my things to. (I'm moving into the folks house). The other issue is that we are planning to sell the home and divide the proceeds if we divorce or not. The house would look simply awful without my decor (ha ha). We are making an inventory of everything in the home and deciding who's is what's etc. and signing the agreement with a witness. So, I'm not sure if this is just another manipulation on his part? I'll ask the atty on Wednesday if this homemade list/ separation agreement will fly in court if he should do something stupid... I'm feeling guilty because I know I have not been the "perfect wife" I know I've done some very stupid things that have hurt our marriage. It's not just him with the alcohol and drugs that have messed us up, I guess it takes two to break it too. We're great freinds but horrible partners if that makes any sense. I wish I could get past the morality thing and just move on like everyone else does. I think sometimes I've just lost my mind, he's a great guy and I'm over-reacting. I want to stop going round in circles!!! I've been doing this for years now and I know it's insanity to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. One of my freinds told me last night that I have to either accept him and love him how he is right now or leave. My answer is that I cannot accept him, he's nice when it suits him, but I do love him... maybe I have a warped idea of love and confuse it with committment and caretaking, ten years is a long time to spend with one person for me and he's been my only long term relationship as an adult. I know I have to go away from him. I just don't know if all of this is "normal" what I'm feeling I mean... I started packing and got sick, literally sick. It's my nature to take care of things so I cleaned the house, took care of one of our sick dogs, who is bleeding all over the white carpet, cleaned up after him.
Spent the entire weekend alone while he was gone fishing. I have been totally isolated. He was excited to go left on Sat right after work and they got up at 3 am to go. They drank all day into the night. He called me and asked me to meet them, this was at about 6pm night. I could tell they were all sloshed and making a three hour journey back to IL. I said I was busy but I would call them in about 15 minutes when I decided what I wanted to do. I tried to call back, no answer. The other wives were calling me to find out whether I had heard from them. Nope, and hour and a half goes by still no word, none of them are picking up their cell phones. I'm thinking something awful has happend. I am imagining his funeral and burying the dog next to him. I'm imagining the awful car wreck and hoping that all the others are okay, between them there are seven children....I'm hoping they just drove off the road and didn't hurt anyone else! The other wives are worried too but not like me... go figure.. about that time one of the other ladies calls to tell me they are fine and that I should probably come and get him because its a 45 minute drive for him to come back, He said he couldn't call me because his phone was dead! NO he couldn't bother to ask someone if he could use theirs! so I went to pick him up so he wouldn't drive. I have to save the world and himself from this drunk driver!!!!! He agreed to ride with me and I'd drive him back in the morning... when we went to leave and he hopped in his truck and drove off. Nobody paid any attention to him getting in his car to drive I was disgusted and couldn't do a thing. I had wasted 2 hours of my night to try to keep him off the road and he just hops in his truck and drives off!!!! He got lost on the way home. Secretly I hoped he would crash. Then the guilt kicks in that I had these thoughts....is there help for me????
Well, stay or go stay or go...geesh round and round I go where she stops nobody knows but I'm driving myself nutty! From those of you out there that have left, did you find some peace of mind? I'm definately leaving and I know it'll be hard but I don't know how to stop wanting to take care of everything!
Okay I've babbled enough and thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've actually read this!!!!!
Gigantic Huge Hugs,
~FaithChaser aka circus clown