ItsJustMe89

This time last year, I was sober. To be exact, on this day last year, I had 14 days. Which at the time, was the longest stretch of sobriety I had ever strung together. I had a sponsor, I had a best sober friend who kept me afloat and we would go to meetings together, sit and talk at the picnic tables for hours, talk on the phone late at night, have sleep overs, and I even did my step 1 homework while I was at her house. My ex boyfriend, who was 5 years sober, texted me to tell me he was proud of me and to keep up the good work. I had a support network of women that I could reach out to if I choose to take advantage of that resource. I had people to talk to.

It was far from perfect. I was only 3 months away from losing my job. But I didn't know it at the time. I was the heaviest I had ever been at the time, I still could not fall asleep at night and struggled to wake up in the morning. I did my best to get to work on time but still failed to do so. I remember trying to come up with 10 different things each day to be grateful for at the end of the day. Just to write a list of 10 things that I was grateful for that particular day, before I went to bed. And I would curse at myself in my head as I tried to think of 10 things... Telling myself "you better f-ing think of something to be grateful for today... f-ing come up with something that made you happy today!!" lol... because it was hard to think of 10 different things to be grateful for in one day. And trying to think of different things to write each day.

But today, one year later, I am not sober. I do not have a sponsor, I go to meetings occasionally, but not often enough. I do more "thinking" about getting sober then I actually do of the work it takes to make that happen. I have no network of sober women I could call if I needed to talk. I don't trust much. I have little idea of who I am, what I am looking for, or where I am going. I am internally conflicted about who I really am and who I wish I was or at least, who I want other people to think I am. Because god forbid anyone knew the truth about me. Then i'd have to deal with my shame, deal with my internal conflict between who I am and who I "think" I should be, and who my family wants me to be. I'd actually have to take responsibility for things. I'd actually have to be held accountable and accept the consequences of my actions. I'd actually have to learn to come to acceptance about what and who I am.

This time last year, I was trying. I was actively trying to do better. I was trying to change, trying to do the right thing.. even if I was completely lost and fighting an ultimately losing battle.. I was still in a better place then I am today. At least, I had made more progress then I have as of now.

I just want to find it in me to have enough faith to stick it out threw the discomfort, loneliness, restlessness, anxiety, fear, boredom, and sadness to be able to make it to the other side... to see if there even is something better waiting for me. It takes a lot of faith to go threw this long dark lonely tunnel and not turn back or give in. Takes strength and determination to not give in to temporary gratification. takes a lot of faith to believe that I will find happiness if I keep moving threw it, even tho I have never made it long enough to know if there is happiness waiting for me. I just have to believe strongly enough that there is some sort of miracle on the other side. Other people have found it. I have seen people transformed. I have seen people find happiness and peace and a life they are content with.

I just want to find the strength and faith to believe that it will happen to me too. enough strength and faith to get me to the other side.