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reflecting on where i was a year ago

Old 02-23-2016, 07:46 PM
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reflecting on where i was a year ago

This time last year, I was sober. To be exact, on this day last year, I had 14 days. Which at the time, was the longest stretch of sobriety I had ever strung together. I had a sponsor, I had a best sober friend who kept me afloat and we would go to meetings together, sit and talk at the picnic tables for hours, talk on the phone late at night, have sleep overs, and I even did my step 1 homework while I was at her house. My ex boyfriend, who was 5 years sober, texted me to tell me he was proud of me and to keep up the good work. I had a support network of women that I could reach out to if I choose to take advantage of that resource. I had people to talk to.

It was far from perfect. I was only 3 months away from losing my job. But I didn't know it at the time. I was the heaviest I had ever been at the time, I still could not fall asleep at night and struggled to wake up in the morning. I did my best to get to work on time but still failed to do so. I remember trying to come up with 10 different things each day to be grateful for at the end of the day. Just to write a list of 10 things that I was grateful for that particular day, before I went to bed. And I would curse at myself in my head as I tried to think of 10 things... Telling myself "you better f-ing think of something to be grateful for today... f-ing come up with something that made you happy today!!" lol... because it was hard to think of 10 different things to be grateful for in one day. And trying to think of different things to write each day.

But today, one year later, I am not sober. I do not have a sponsor, I go to meetings occasionally, but not often enough. I do more "thinking" about getting sober then I actually do of the work it takes to make that happen. I have no network of sober women I could call if I needed to talk. I don't trust much. I have little idea of who I am, what I am looking for, or where I am going. I am internally conflicted about who I really am and who I wish I was or at least, who I want other people to think I am. Because god forbid anyone knew the truth about me. Then i'd have to deal with my shame, deal with my internal conflict between who I am and who I "think" I should be, and who my family wants me to be. I'd actually have to take responsibility for things. I'd actually have to be held accountable and accept the consequences of my actions. I'd actually have to learn to come to acceptance about what and who I am.

This time last year, I was trying. I was actively trying to do better. I was trying to change, trying to do the right thing.. even if I was completely lost and fighting an ultimately losing battle.. I was still in a better place then I am today. At least, I had made more progress then I have as of now.

I just want to find it in me to have enough faith to stick it out threw the discomfort, loneliness, restlessness, anxiety, fear, boredom, and sadness to be able to make it to the other side... to see if there even is something better waiting for me. It takes a lot of faith to go threw this long dark lonely tunnel and not turn back or give in. Takes strength and determination to not give in to temporary gratification. takes a lot of faith to believe that I will find happiness if I keep moving threw it, even tho I have never made it long enough to know if there is happiness waiting for me. I just have to believe strongly enough that there is some sort of miracle on the other side. Other people have found it. I have seen people transformed. I have seen people find happiness and peace and a life they are content with.

I just want to find the strength and faith to believe that it will happen to me too. enough strength and faith to get me to the other side.
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Old 02-23-2016, 07:58 PM
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Yes there is! You can do it!
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Old 02-23-2016, 08:06 PM
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it's in the step work......go back, make friends again, do the work!

Hugs and love to you
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Old 02-23-2016, 08:15 PM
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You can do this, IJM ... we can do this.

The cool thing about recovery is that it doesn't require faith to see results. It takes strength, persistence, and a commitment to self-honesty.
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Old 02-23-2016, 10:19 PM
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You can definitely do this! It takes work, and life still throws curve balls at us when we are sober, but we can handle them with clarity. I have spent the past three years working on my sobriety, with too many slip ups to count. I decided that 2016 would be different, and have not had a drink since NYE. I joined the incredible January class, and feel blessed to have such incredible support. Having a solid plan and not becoming complacent are key for me. Today was 54 days for me, and I rely solely on SR.

Glad to have you along on this journey!!!
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Old 02-23-2016, 10:30 PM
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Have you got a plan or any ideas on a plan ?
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Old 02-23-2016, 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Have you got a plan or any ideas on a plan ?

I need to go back to AA. I mean, not just attending 2 or 3 meetings a week at different groups each time. Because its hard to find consistent people that way. I think I need one group I go to every day at the same time. Just for the accountability and knowing that I can call it a home group and seeing the same people every day.

Then I can find someone who is always at that meeting at the same time every day. To ask to sponsor me. If I have a sponsor I will have direction whether I like it or not and I will be forced to make progress especially if my sponsor goes to the same meetings that I do. My biggest thing this time around, is wanting to get lead through the steps quicker then the last time. The last time, I got to 87 days sober and hadn't even completed step 3. I feel I need a spiritual experience a lot sooner then that so when the time comes where nothing is standing in the way of me and a drink, I will have a defense against it.

I don't know. honestly, I don't know what it is going to take to turn me into a normal human being. I am everything except normal. I am all kinds of messed up. I don't know the first thing about being a normal, average, functional person. Much less about being a happy and content person.
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Old 02-23-2016, 11:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 View Post

I don't know. honestly, I don't know what it is going to take to turn me into a normal human being. I am everything except normal. I am all kinds of messed up. I don't know the first thing about being a normal, average, functional person. Much less about being a happy and content person.
I feel you. I have felt like this most of my life. With depression and anxiety and later alcoholism, I've often felt like I'm living in my own head and far too vulnerable for life.

The good news is that prolonged sobriety is helping more than I thought it could. While drinking (I had a stretch of sobriety then relapsed for a year and a half) I could remember intellectually that I felt calmer and happier sober. But I minimized it in my mind. Kind of like when I stop exercising, I'm like "yeah, I know I'd feel better" but then when I finally start again it's not just "OK, better" it's "OH WOW MY LIFE IS AMAZING NOW" and I can't believe I didn't start sooner. Getting back to sobriety has been like that for me.

And the non-alcohol advice I have is that I always am trying to maneuver myself into a situation that's one factor better than my current. If at one job I like the people but feel like I'm kind of unimportant and also not sure that the work matters to me, the next time I look for a job where I like the people AND I feel valued even if I still don't care about the work. Then the next time I look for something more meaningful. Same with personal life. When I feel like I don't do anything new anymore, I sign up for an easy class, something low commitment to help jog me out of my funk. Then I sign up for something with a bit more of a commitment, etc.

It really makes a difference in terms of happiness. Having a sense of progress helps me be more tolerant of the things I don't like in my life.

Good luck. One of the best things someone told me when I was fresh off my relapse and told my sad story of losing a dream job to alcohol was, "If you got hired for that job, then you'll get hired for another dream job, because you have the qualities that made that happen the first time." So I'll tweak that to you: if you had the capacity to create deep and meaningful and supportive sober relationships before, you'll be able to do it again. And this time you'll be wiser from falling off the wagon. I think once you get past 90 days this time you'll start to see how much better sobriety gets. That was an important milestone for me.

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Old 02-24-2016, 01:05 AM
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I just want to find the strength and faith to believe that it will happen to me too
But it won't just 'happen to you', you have to make it happen.
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Old 02-24-2016, 02:14 AM
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I think that a lot of people think like you described, that sobriety is like a destination... That you have to do these things in order to get off at the exit call "sobriety". But, sobriety isn't a destination, it's the road. Because even sobriety will change, when I first got sober I was usually at a meeting. Now three years later, I'm more likely to be with my family. And it's all sobriety.

Why not call your network of sober friends and ask for help? They would absolutely love to hear from you.
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Old 02-24-2016, 02:40 AM
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Some great advice here IJM
If you want it, you can make it happen - no hoping or wishing involved

D
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Old 02-24-2016, 09:28 AM
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Absolutely fantastic post. I am in the same boat (in and out of AA) and I wish you only the very best moving forward. It is tough as can be for me as well. Good luck
Brett
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Old 02-24-2016, 10:05 AM
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And by the way I have 2 beers left today so it's gonna be an aggravating night in my own mind to stay off the booze. Ugh. But I have to remain positive and get through the first few days ... Again.
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Old 02-24-2016, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 View Post
I just want to find it in me to have enough faith to stick it out threw the discomfort, loneliness, restlessness, anxiety, fear, boredom, and sadness to be able to make it to the other side... to see if there even is something better waiting for me. It takes a lot of faith to go threw this long dark lonely tunnel and not turn back or give in. Takes strength and determination to not give in to temporary gratification. takes a lot of faith to believe that I will find happiness if I keep moving threw it, even tho I have never made it long enough to know if there is happiness waiting for me. I just have to believe strongly enough that there is some sort of miracle on the other side.
.
This is it! So well articulated and defined. You know it, you now have to do it. I think they call it walking the walk.
Love and luck to you.
xx
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Old 02-24-2016, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by mbrett View Post
And by the way I have 2 beers left today so it's gonna be an aggravating night in my own mind to stay off the booze. Ugh. But I have to remain positive and get through the first few days ... Again.
Nip aggravation in the bud and pour them out!
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Old 02-24-2016, 11:30 PM
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[QUOTE=ItsJustMe89;5813087]I need to go back to AA. I mean, not just attending 2 or 3 meetings a week at different groups each time. Because its hard to find consistent people that way. I think I need one group I go to every day at the same time. Just for the accountability and knowing that I can call it a home group and seeing the same people every day.

Then I can find someone who is always at that meeting at the same time every day. To ask to sponsor me. If I have a sponsor I will have direction whether I like it or not and I will be forced to make progress especially if my sponsor goes to the same meetings that I do. My biggest thing this time around, is wanting to get lead through the steps quicker then the last time. The last time, I got to 87 days sober and hadn't even completed step 3. I feel I need a spiritual experience a lot sooner then that so when the time comes where nothing is standing in the way of me and a drink, I will have a defense against it.

I don't know. honestly, I don't know what it is going to take to turn me into a normal human being. I am everything except normal. I am all kinds of messed up. I don't know the first thing about being a normal, average, functional person. Much less about being a happy and content person.


First off you are a normal human being & AA is a great idea I too was the same know you can do this if you ever want to talk drop a pm my friend
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