Hi Cali welcome to SR. I am sorry you had to come looking for help but glad you found this site.
I haven't read everyone's comments so I apologise if I'm repeating what has already been said. I don't know if his feelings for you were genuine but I do know is that you tried to come between him and his first love alcohol. I know reading that alcohol is his first love may be hard and I am sorry but nothing will come before an addicts addiction.
My stbxah walked out on me many times throughout our marriage and we were together nearly 17 years, why? Because I came between him and his drinking. Yes he would always come back promising the world and I took him back I tried everything pleading, begging, threatening, controlling and all I did was drive myself nuts. When he left the last time I was devastated thought I had lost the love of my life, my soul mate, refused to see his bad behaviour and only look at the good, I blamed myself, if only I was better, more fun, more anything.
He would have blamed me for why he drank too. It was not my fault, his actions weren't my responsibility, and your boyfriends actions are not your responsibility. You are not to blame for his drinking and you can't fix him and get him to stop drinking. Only he can do that.
Thanks to SR I slowly began to see him for who he really is an alcoholic, he wasn't 2 different people the drunk husband and the sober one, he was one in the same.
I'm out nearly 2 years and he did me a favour by leaving, I didn't see it then but I do now. You may not think it now but you've got out early enough had you continued this relationship you would have slowly but surely lost who you are and become whatever you thought he needed to stop his drinking, then when that didn't work become someone different and the cycle goes on as you try to control the alcoholic.
Please read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep coming back for support, I tortured everyone for. Along time when I first arrived here and they still put up with me
.
You are not alone we are all here for you just take it one day at a time ((((tight hugs))))