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I asked him to stop drinking and he decided he doesn't love me anymore...



I asked him to stop drinking and he decided he doesn't love me anymore...

Old 02-12-2016, 04:24 PM
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I asked him to stop drinking and he decided he doesn't love me anymore...

A little over a year ago I met the love of my life. I am in my thirties and have been in all kinds of relationships-some good and some bad. I've nearly married twice but never felt that special spark with anyone but him. We met at New Years through very close mutual friends and from the first kiss we both agreed that there was just something special between us. The word love doesn't quite describe the connection between us. He was my soul mate. My Partner. My best friend. And I was his.

We live in different states and for over a year took turns flying across the country every other weekend. We have a joint credit card and have merged our lives completely. I have never been treated as well as he treated me for nearly 10 months. Every day he would send me massages telling me how deeply he loved me till only three days before he left me.

He has always talked in terms of forever and we have very seriously started building a life together. We've talked openly about children and marriage and have always both been all in. We have always worked though trials easily and outside of normal relationship ups and downs we have a beautiful and fulfilling partnership with shared respect and love.

In the beginning there were a few cases of heavy drinking nights but they were rare- birthdays or weddings. Then six months into the relationship I started noticing signs. He didn't seem to take a beat between drinks. He would stay out late and forget to do some small things he had promised. The night of his sisters wedding in June he drank until he blacked out, breaking up with me moments before I was stepping onto a flight for a family vacation with his entire family. The next day he didn't remember any of it.

A week later he was black out drunk with my uncle and sent me text messages meant for someone else. When I questioned him on this he lied to me about them confessing later. My parents started to notice an issue and mentioned this to me which I repeated to him. He response was the same as always...I will cut back.

Eight months in I started to notice the heavy drinking nights were getting more frequent. We had several arguments regarding his choices while drinking but have never argued about anything else. He was not always black out drunk but would have a drink almost every night after work. I should say...he lives in apartments above multiple bars where he knows the bartenders, owners, and bouncers personally. He started to slowly withdrawal from the intimacy of the relationship. When I questioned him on this- he informed me that he was on medication for depression that caused this behavior and assured me it had nothing to do with how he felt about me.

A few weeks later he had another all night drink fest which ended in a heated argument between us. I told him that I thought his drinking was problematic and asked him to take a month off to breathe for the sake of our relationship. He promised to cut back and id. For two months following we had a lovely partnership.

Over Thanksgiving I flew out to see him and his house was in complete disarray. Rotting food and piles of laundry and pet excretions. It was simply unlivable. At this point he was sleeping all day and had seemed to loose interest in all things outside of grabbing a beer or watching TV/Movies. I cleaned his house and asked him to see a therapist about making adjustments to his medication. We had a wonderful love filled Thanksgiving with my family and had plans to spend Christmas with his. His drinking seemed under control.

Fourteen days later I returned to see him to find the house in the same state as before. At his bosses Christmas party I noticed him down drink after drink at a speed I've never seen. He asked me to leave with him and proceeded to take me to another bar and order more drinks, which ended in another fight. Over Christmas with his family we had a wonderful time. He bought me a designer dress he saw me looking at while gift shopping and it fit perfectly. This is the sort of romantic man he is. For every event or holiday he writes me three cards.

His sister, the only person as close to him as me gave him two bottles of scotch for Christmas. The night we returned to his house he drank half a bottle by himself while watching a movie on his couch. I have NEVER seen him drink this way and it scared me. At this point I told him I thought he has a serious drinking problem. That his behavior was not normal and very dangerous while on anti-depressants. I told him it was irresponsible to take medication to treat depression and then put a depressant in his body. He seemed to listen to me, acknowledging that yes he was concerned as well.

Over New Years we were with our mutual friends on their family farm. We had decided months ago to have a low-key wine only weekend instead of a wild night out. The first night we were there he was wasted and our romantic night together ended with him singing sad show tunes in the bathtub with a bottle of white wine. We argued and I cried and he promised that if I asked him to stop after a few drinks next time he would. The next day he was waisted by 3pm. Even our friends who are heavy drinkers were appalled by his behavior. That night he left a burner on with a towel on top of it and I luckily found it before there was any major damage. He didn't seem to care the next morning which was the scariest part.

After this I confronted him and told him I think he is an alcoholic and needs help. I asked him why he was so withdrawn from our relationship and pushing me away. The following week he flew out to visit me and we spent the weekend as we normally would. He was intimate with me, told me he loved me, and even met my Grandmother for the first time. We already had plans for Valentines day in the works. Five minutes before he was to leave- he broke up with me. He didn't have a reason. I asked him to take some more time to think about it.

Two days later my grandfather was dying and I called him (my best friend). He ignored my calls and I can tell from the tone of his texts he was drinking again. He is only even cold or removed from me when he drinks. Ten days later he told me he had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone or ever be married. He told that in the beginning he was madly in love with me and had decided he did want a future with me, but now due to things I had done in the relationship (which he kindly pointed out) he was no longer in love with me and had not been for months. He had no answer for me when I questioned WHY he would fly back and forth and bring me home for Christmas if this were really true.

He told me that he had realized he wasn't drinking and unhappy because of his depression, he was unhappy and drinking because he was in a relationship he no longer wanted to be in. I was completely floored and devastated by this! We have always talked in terms of forever. He refuses to admit how serious his problem is. Only that he is concerned about it. He is being civil with me as we separate our assets, and says he wants to remain friends but insists that this decision is solely because he has no love for me anymore and is not interested in even the best version of our relationship.

In my heart I feel that this is the addiction talking and not the wonderful man I fell in love with who would write me sweet notes everyday morning for a year. But the hurtful things he's said to me resonate and at times it's hard not to question whether there is some merit to his words. Was the last year of my life not real? If he didn't love me was he pretending the last few months? And if so...how did I not see it? How did I not see this coming?

I feel like someone just took my life away. The only time I have ever truly felt at home was in his arms and I miss him terribly.
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Old 02-12-2016, 04:55 PM
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I'm really sorry you feel that way but the truth is, you are dealing with an ill person who himself does not know what he wants in life. Actually, I am wrong there. He does know. He wants alcohol. They may love us and promise castles in the clouds and fairytales, but once we get between them and alcohol, then you really see what is their priority. He was not pretending he loved you. He loved you in the only way he knew. But alcohol is no.1. They love it more they love themselves. The good news is, at least he did not fool you into marrying him. You did not have children with this man. You have plenty of time to rebuild your life, to recover emotionally, and find the love of your life.

Believe me, you can suffer now, or 10 years later, but with an addict, you will suffer. Period.
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Old 02-12-2016, 04:56 PM
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So sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It sounds like he doesn't want to quit drinking. Have you talked to his family about his problems? Maybe an intervention would work?
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Old 02-12-2016, 05:05 PM
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If you continue in this relationship, you will come second to alcohol. He has shown you this already. Ask yourself what you are getting out of the relationship. And are you prepared for it to get worse? Cause it will, you know. It never gets better, only worse. I don't think I could stay with someone who treated me so badly. I'd rather be alone than to be treated badly.

A long time ago I ended a relationship with the 'love of my life' because of drinking and abuse. I got over it after a while and then my life got better and happier.

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Old 02-12-2016, 05:11 PM
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I'm so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. First of all, let me tell you, without a doubt, that his attempts to blame his drinking and depression on the fact that he "doesn't want to be in a relationship" with you is complete and utter bullcrap. Totally typical alcoholic deflection and projection.

So many of us here have stories of "soul mates" and "more than just typical love" when we met our alcoholics. I sure do. I knew my STBXAH in middle school and high school, and we dated briefly in 12th grade, only to lose touch and reconnect 15 years later. Oh yes, we were so much more in love than anyone else. He was sober and in recovery at the time, and he would talk all the time about how he had waited to get married because he wanted to make sure it was with the right person, etc. I heard all about how I made him a better man, how I was the most amazing person, how our love was so rare and unique.

Six months after we got married, I was pregnant and it was obvious he was relapsing. After a few years of increasingly ugly emotional abuse, while I was still in my full-on co-dependent snooping phase, I went through his phone and found a series of text messages between him and his best friend, about how women were only good for one thing, neither one of them wanted to be married anymore, blah blah blah. So I know how devastating that kind of change in attitude is.

But don't for one minute think it is your fault. This is HIM, and his disease.

I hope you will consider finding some Al Anon meetings, and reading as much as you can here. It truly saved my sanity. And let me share with you something that I have come to understand in the wake of my separation and soon to finalize divorce from my alcoholic husband.

Romantic movies and books and television shows want us to believe that we have the rarest loves. That we meet our soul mates, and everything changes, and it's magic. I believe in deep love, in monogamy, and in putting the work in to a relationship to make it flourish and last. But you know what? I don't WANT love to be rare. True, deep love is something that I hope everyone finds and experiences. The times in my life when I thought my love was so much better or more special than others were times when I was unhealthy, co-dependent, and pretty much crazy. And that "terminal uniqueness" I felt about our love played a really big role in why I put up with so much for so long.

Bottom line? Be glad you did not marry him, and do not have children with him. At least not at this point. Who knows? Maybe he will find recovery and sobriety, and you will reconnect. But you can't force or control that. All you can control is your own choices, and your own reactions to things. Keep your focus on you, and living an emotionally healthy life.
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Old 02-12-2016, 05:30 PM
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Minus the alcoholism I could have written this story about my last relationship prior to RAH.

The problem here is that all the blame is going to the alcoholism. Alcohol does a lot of things, but it doesn't make people do things they don't want to. Nobody cheats because they are an A, they cheat because they are a cheater. Your red flag was this from the first kiss we both agreed that there was just something special between us. The word love doesn't quite describe the connection between us. He was my soul mate. This kind of immediate feeling is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG. The wonderful man you fell for is the man you see NOW he is not doing these things because he is drunk. He is doing them because he most likely has a personality disorder, or is simply a sociopath with no conscience. I can't say whether his feelings were real or not what I can say is that these types people don't do well after the honeymoon phase wears off.

On top of this you are dealing with alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease of denial.....you are getting a whole lot of blame shifting here see its not HIS fault he drinks its YOUR fault he drinks. Mmmmm hmmm. Alcoholics don't like for anyone or anything to come between them and their drink. You became a mirror for him to face his problems and if you had not had a problem with him drinking to black out obnoxiousness he might not have ended it.

I am really sorry because I know how painful this is for you I have been there. I'd like to say that he will leave you in peace, but I doubt it. Mine still contacts me 8 years later, even though I am married, even though he makes me vomit in my mouth he STILL does.
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Old 02-12-2016, 05:31 PM
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Cali89......he is doing you such a great favor.....some women in your situation hang on for years.
He has been drinking from the beginning....you never rally knew him...because, he has been controlled by booze the entire time. He doesn't even know himself, can't remember half of what he does...can't care for his basic needs...and doesn't want to get help.
Even if he did..it would take years for any lasting changes.

Love doesn't hurt this much.

You should take this opportunity to learn every thing you can about alcoholism and attend alanon for your own development....
I fear that, otherwise, that you will follow the same pattern into another similar relationship.....This is almost always what happens......
dont let it happen to you!!!

The one book that I would recommend to you is "Co-deoendent No More"....I think a lot will resonate to you......

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Old 02-12-2016, 05:41 PM
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You've known him for 13 months and he's been in active addiction for seven of them and it's escalating. Please know that you didn't cause this...please also know that you can't fix it and you can lose years of your precious life trying and all it will do is make you crazy.

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts when a dream comes to such an ugly end.
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Old 02-12-2016, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You've known him for 13 months and he's been in active addiction for seven of them and it's escalating. Please know that you didn't cause this...please also know that you can't fix it and you can lose years of your precious life trying and all it will do is make you crazy.

I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts when a dream comes to such an ugly end.
^^^ This times 10.
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:07 PM
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"Your red flag was this from the first kiss we both agreed that there was just something special between us. The word love doesn't quite describe the connection between us. He was my soul mate. This kind of immediate feeling is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG."

Thank you all for your responses. I truly appreciate your insight. I do want to point out that I do agree that love is built with two equal partners over time. The love I have for my ex was not something that I felt instantly. We merely felt a connection, trust, and mutual respect instantly. Our relationship was built within a difficult long distance relationship over many hours with much effort and love between both of us. We both spent thousands of dollars to fly back and fourth every other week at over $800 a flight. We shared truthfully our greatest hopes and deepest fears. We had each other's backs through thick and thin. Although he may have always been drinking on some level...He put as much love and effort into making long distance work as I did for the first ten months and it is not an easy thing. I do not believe that he has ever cheated on me. The texts he was lying about were to his sister about potentially taking a job in NYC. He lied because we had never discussed this change in plans.
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:10 PM
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Welcome Cali. Also I am so very very sorry for what brings you here. This type of thing is absolutely heart breaking.

As the others said, you are getting in between alcohol and an alcoholic and the results are pretty predictable; however, no matter how predictable the pain will be excruciating. If you can, find an alanon meeting. You might need to try a couple different meetings before finding a good fit.

Take care of yourself. Let us know how you are. Many of us have been in similar situations.
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:15 PM
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Cali.....I understand your need to encase your m emories of him in a golden halo....
The intensity of the cascade of bonding and sexual hormones of early attraction will do that for you.....
Meeting twice a month is like dating...and it actually reinforces these feelings.....

But....let me tell you...that facing the daily reality of life (especially with an alcoholic)....the whisperings and confessions of love spoken on a pillow will fade like dew in the m orning sun......

Check it out.....

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Old 02-12-2016, 06:21 PM
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Dandy speaks the truth. My STBXAH and I were long distance. We also saw each other every other weekend, and each trip involved a 1,000 mile round trip drive by one of us. That totally makes it impossible to really get an idea of what the other person really like on a daily basis. Everybody still puts on their "courting face" when you only see each other for two out of every 14 days.

I don't think anybody is saying that you're feelings weren't real, and that you didn't work on things to form a lasting relationship. All we are really trying to say is that for virtually all of us, our relationships started in the same way, and that generally speaking, those ultra intense feelings right at the outset are often a red flag for something unhealthy percolating under the surface in one or both people.
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:42 PM
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You dodged a bullet Cali. Get yourself into counseling and find out what makes you attracted to this guy. If you don't deal with it now you could end up picking another one just like him. Heal yourself first, you deserve the best and don't settle for a relationship that looks anything like the hell you just described! Hugs.
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Old 02-12-2016, 06:55 PM
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Just agree with everything that has been said. I too overlooked huge red flags-beacons. My love was real. I don't doubt yours was. I used to think we were so unique too-but we weren't. Mine also told me very early on that I made him a better man...and you know what? Yucky to admit but I ate it up-MY dysfunction and disease. Mine put me on a pedestal and then shoved me off, kicking me all the way down. I can tell you the truth-that most of us here were exactly where you are now and most of us here now that have left have the scars to show. Consider yourself lucky you didn't marry him or for Gods sake, have children with him. I say that with a lot of love. Please keep coming back....it's hard to stomach some of the things we are sayujg, and I get that-I almost left this board years ago bc I didn't like what people were telling me-they just didn't understand us, our love, they didn't know my husband damint-he would never do what these people were talking about-not my husband!! Boy was I in massive denial...I just didn't want to accept what they were saying was true. It was all true and then some. I pray the best for you and hope you truly do read and listen to what we are saying-we say it bc we wabt the best for you!!!
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Old 02-13-2016, 04:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Cali89 View Post
I do not believe that he has ever cheated on me. The texts he was lying about were to his sister about potentially taking a job in NYC. He lied because we had never discussed this change in plans.
I'm sorry I think my post was confusing. I wasn't saying he cheated. The cheating example was in regard to actions vs. alcoholism. Many people excuse actions by blaming it on the alcohol. Sure, someone slurring their words, falling down, acting stupid, and so forth are results of being drunk. Someone saying they never loved you, have been in a relationship they didn't want etc....that's THEM, not alcohol.

Many folks will divide an alcoholic into the "drunk person" and "sober person". Its the same person, its not two people.

Again, I have no idea whether what he felt for you was real - his actions would speak otherwise. At the end of the day his actions were extremely hurtful and unnecessary. Its not necessary to belittle you, embarrass you, confuse you, and blame you to break up with you. What you are seeing the "real him", you will always be blamed by this person for everything in life that goes wrong.

Marriage is difficult. This guy has no coping skills and has the inability to communicate in a healthy or positive way. Let's just say he did really mean that he had wanted out of the relationship for a long time - the first you heard about it was months after the fact. In YOUR time of need when you lost a loved one he couldn't be bothered.

i know its very difficult for you, however; try and look at his actions here at the end. They are so lacking in compassion or kindness, full of blame and quite mean. That's what life would be like with him - not the good months. A relationship is only as good as when its really at its worst. If this is what the bad times will be like (and trust me, they will always be bad times and they will always be handled by him the same way) NO THANKS.
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Old 02-13-2016, 04:53 AM
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There is a direct causative link in the title of your post.

I am relatively new to the insanity of alcoholism and had a very short, sharp lesson in just how powerful it is and it appears you are having the same lesson. I understand how painful it is. Having that sheet of denial whipped away leaves you utterly devastated and in shock. The whole "oh I drank because I was unhappy in our relationship" line is unbelievable. If I had a pound (I'm British &#128578 for every time I read that in a post I'd be a rich woman. It was also said to me after 5 and a half years. If someone had told me this would happen I wouldn't have believed them. No way, he's different and special and people don't understand what we have. But it did happen and as you will learn it happens A LOT. It's scary just how similar people become once they are in the grips of addiction.

Your head will be spinning and nothing will makes sense for a while but if you can take anything in let it be this: nothing you did caused this. There is nothing wrong with you and what he has said is not true. It is the reaction of an addict and in no way a reflection of your self worth. Read up on addiction. It will save your sanity. Your post was my post (and many others). You will be ok xx
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Old 02-13-2016, 10:18 AM
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Please believe Every. Word. He. Says. I didn't and ended up marrying the man. 9 years later I finally believed him and we divorced amicably. I missed my childbearing years because of my choices (but thank God didn't have his children). He is doing you the most loving thing he can for you - telling you his truths. 25 years later my -ex is the exact same person... never remarried, still drinking, still depressed and medicated for it. We still care for each other, but I am happily remarried and now realize I DID deserve better.
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Old 02-13-2016, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin View Post
I'm so very sorry you are dealing with all of this. First of all, let me tell you, without a doubt, that his attempts to blame his drinking and depression on the fact that he "doesn't want to be in a relationship" with you is complete and utter bullcrap. Totally typical alcoholic deflection and projection.
:
Hi WI... I agree in your case and MANY cases this is true (more so than my case). But please read my response for my experience. This "could" be the case where they really mean no harm to others - and yes, this is selfish, but they could being doing the partner a favor.
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Old 02-13-2016, 04:09 PM
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Hi Cali welcome to SR. I am sorry you had to come looking for help but glad you found this site.

I haven't read everyone's comments so I apologise if I'm repeating what has already been said. I don't know if his feelings for you were genuine but I do know is that you tried to come between him and his first love alcohol. I know reading that alcohol is his first love may be hard and I am sorry but nothing will come before an addicts addiction.

My stbxah walked out on me many times throughout our marriage and we were together nearly 17 years, why? Because I came between him and his drinking. Yes he would always come back promising the world and I took him back I tried everything pleading, begging, threatening, controlling and all I did was drive myself nuts. When he left the last time I was devastated thought I had lost the love of my life, my soul mate, refused to see his bad behaviour and only look at the good, I blamed myself, if only I was better, more fun, more anything.

He would have blamed me for why he drank too. It was not my fault, his actions weren't my responsibility, and your boyfriends actions are not your responsibility. You are not to blame for his drinking and you can't fix him and get him to stop drinking. Only he can do that.

Thanks to SR I slowly began to see him for who he really is an alcoholic, he wasn't 2 different people the drunk husband and the sober one, he was one in the same.

I'm out nearly 2 years and he did me a favour by leaving, I didn't see it then but I do now. You may not think it now but you've got out early enough had you continued this relationship you would have slowly but surely lost who you are and become whatever you thought he needed to stop his drinking, then when that didn't work become someone different and the cycle goes on as you try to control the alcoholic.

Please read the stickies at the top of the forum and keep coming back for support, I tortured everyone for. Along time when I first arrived here and they still put up with me .

You are not alone we are all here for you just take it one day at a time ((((tight hugs))))
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