Hi, CL, and welcome to SR. I hope you can spend some time here reading and learning. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot to learn about alcoholism and how it affects our lives even when we are not the one who drinks. I think as you read thru the stories on this forum you'll see that there is a lot in common, from one to the next, and this might help you to not take your XABF's actions so personally--he is doing what A's do, and that is to protect their drinking above all else. "Work thru his issues", my eye--he wants to "work on his drinking" in peace, is more like it!
The first thing I want to say to you is that IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO GET HIM SOBER. He is an adult, presumably competent and intelligent, and he gets to make his own decisions, however stupid or ill-considered someone else may find them. He is obviously aware of various paths to recovery but has repeatedly relapsed, snuck around, lied--all the things an active A does.
There is a saying here, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." He has told you pretty clearly what his priorities are, it seems. Again, and I can't state this strongly enough, it is NOT up to you to "support" his recovery. When (and IF, and it is a big IF) he decides he is ready to get sober, he will do it himself. No one can do it for him.
Threads you may find useful include:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
You might find some help for yourself at Alanon (don't confuse it w/AA--AA is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is for anyone who's been affected by
someone else's drinking), and you also might benefit from reading a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There are daily postings from a book of hers called "The Language of Letting Go" here on the forum, too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
Again, glad you found us here at SR. Read around the forums as much as you can and post as much as you like. In time, I think you'll come to feel that you've dodged a bullet, but now, while you're feeling sad, know that everyone here "gets it."