Berrybean

Okay - this is veering off of recovery and spirituality (which is what AA is about - not Christianity and Jesus) onto something else, so I'm hoping that people here aren't offended that I'm typing this here, and apologise in advance if it would be more appropriate elsewhere...

Njdellis, you say you believe in Jesus. We are coming up to Lent and Easter, and at any church there will be a big focus over the next few months about WHY God gave his only Son, and WHY Jesus died on the cross. If you haven't been going to church, maybe try to get back in the habit of it over this period - I suspect that it will give you some comfort. Forgiveness is there for anyone who truly repents. It is when we feel bad about what we have done that prayer can be at its most powerful.

'Many times we feel too ashamed by our sin to even ask God for forgiveness, let alone pray in repentance. Or, we say the words but do not truly feel forgiven by Him.
In any event, it is very easy to allow our sin to keep us down and feel unworthy of God’s redemption. But God’s Word, the ultimate truth, tells us otherwise. Specifically, Romans 4:25 tell us that “[Christ] was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.”
In other words, in dying for us, Christ pardoned all of our sins—past, present and future.
We are reminded of this many times throughout the Bible. For example, Micah 7:19 tells us that God “will again have compassion on us” and that He “will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” This verse actually inspired Hawk Nelson’s song “Drops in the Ocean” in which we are told that God will forgive us more times than there are drops in the ocean.
This verse is only one of many that remind us that as God-fearing Christians we are always forgiven—no matter how far we feel we have strayed. Here are six other reminders of God’s faithful and enduring forgiveness:
• “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
• “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” (Ephesians 1:7)
• “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked … But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved.” (Ephesians 2:1-22)
• “The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him.” (Daniel 9:9)
• “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Even when you feel your farthest from His forgiveness, know that it is there. God’s Word reminds us over and over how we are forgiven and how His mercy is new for us every day. His unconditional love can be difficult to comprehend, especially in those moments where we feel crippled by shamefulness. When you encounter these moments, take a step back. Slow down, calm down, breathe and remind yourself of these six verses.'

(Written by Allison Boccamazzo for Praying Today)

I sometimes think that the biggest thing I have to contend with in recovery is that battle between my spirituality and my AV (addictive voice). My AV will tell me that I am not worthy of forgiveness. It will tell me that I have wandered too far to come back. And if I start listening to it, the next step will be that it will tell me, if I can't go back to my Higher Power (who in MY case is of a religious nature, but be mindful that actually most people I know in AA's are NOT), then I might as well drink again, or go back to thrill-chasing. But thankfully I have learned that my AV is not to be trusted, and that is is sneaky and comes disguised as 'Rational thought'. So, I listen out for rationalisations (The 'yes, but.....s'), and for wishful thinking (the 'if only....s') and recognise my AV lurking within these.

It's great that you have recognised your powerlessness over alcohol. Hopefully this will lead you to Acceptance and willINGness. Willingness and Acceptance that it's the first drink that does the damage, and it's to be avoided completely. WillINGness to take advice. WillINGness to humble yourself by asking for help from other people, and from God or your own Higher Power.

Some people manage to do this on their own. Me personally, I needed the support if AA.

I wish you all the best on your journey through sobriety, to recovery: happiness, joy and freedom.