Alcoholic thinking from an active alcoholic who is trying to get sober... Going to a meeting, hearing something that is motivational enough to make me pick up a white chip, not drinking that night, going to work in the morning, then on night 2, drinking. Because I was so irritable on day 2 at work and my customers were so frustrating and I had to go into the bathroom to cry for a minute or two because of how rude my customer was to me. And at the end of the day I just needed to feel my version of normal. So I could breath and relax and actually get some sleep. Then over sleeping and going to work late the next day. Only to come home and drink at night again, since I had not gotten a white chip yet so if I did not drink its not like it would count as day one anyway. Over sleeping again the next morning, getting to work late for the 2nd day in a row. Being so disappointed in myself and scared that there will be consequences at work for being late so often that I don't drink that night. The next day, which was today, going to a meeting that I had never been to before and not being able to muster the courage to stand up in front of everyone and pick up that white chip. Hoping that they will go back to the white chip when they are done passing out the others, incase there was anyone who was shy the first time around. But they didn't. So on my way home, I bought some Captain and am drinking. Because its not like today would count as day 1 anyway. That is alcoholic thinking. Ridiculous, nonsensical, insanity.
On top of the part of my mind that on a particular day might know for certain that I am alcoholic. And after 2 days sober, makes me wonder if I actually am a real alcoholic. Like, maybe I was wrong somehow....??? Mentally sick.