Thanks everyone for your kind words. It is nice to be able to talk somewhere about these things. My sister is the only one I talk to about my AH but I can't even really tell her everything and I feel like I'm bothering her with my problems and her married life is "so perfect". I don't think my husband ever drank mouthwash or cooking wine to get drunk, because if he is that desperate to drink he can always go to one of his buddies houses and they will give him free beer.
I'm very concerned about our tax refund. We should be getting it in a week or two and I don't any of it to be wasted on stupid things. My AH's stupid friend (he's like 50 and recently divorced so every day is party time for him) is trying to convince him to buy drugs (coke) once we get our refund. I really hope he doesn't. AH had been hooked on that crap years ago before we met and don't want him to get started on anything else because the alcohol is bad enough! I told AH he needs to get his license back and wouldn't care how much it would cost to do so. He comes up with "I'll need to pay off a fine, I'll need an breathalyzer in my car, car insurance will be so expensive" basically just excuses. Yet he wants to spend hundreds on some stupid video game system.
I have been working up the courage to go to an al-anon meeting. Right now I'm just reading up as much as I can. I know where the meetings are held in my area.