I'm glad to be broke!

Old 02-03-2016, 07:48 AM
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I'm glad to be broke!

It may sound a little twisted, but I am glad when AH and I are flat broke, like now. As long as we have food to get by and the kids have diapers. We literally only have a few bucks in the checking account so that means he can't buy beer. He wasn't able to drink last night and because it was snowing, he came right home from work instead of drinking beer at one of his buddies houses (I had a bottle of vodka that I would occasionally make a drink from but I dumped it just so he couldn't drink it).

Of course tomorrow is pay day which means he will probably stop at the bar again after work again and come home with a case of beer. I talked to him about his drunken episode the other night and he brushed it off like usual. He used to feel bad any time he got that stupid drunk and would apologize, but not anymore. I pointed out to him that he drank 5 days last week and he denied it. It's terrible to say but sometimes I wish my husband would get pulled over for drinking and driving.

He still never got his license back from the last time he had a DUI a few years before we met (he has a fine for driving in another state that he never paid off). This would make his 6th and he'd probably be in jail for a few years this time; he already sat for 18 months before we met. I can't imagine getting to that point and then getting out of jail and still continuing to drink, but I guess that's what alcoholics do.
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Old 02-03-2016, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by KellyKapowski View Post
I guess that's what alcoholics do.
Yep, you are right on the button w/that one. And there's not a thing you can do to stop it. Like the First Step says, we came to realize we are powerless over alcohol.

How are you doing? What have you learned/changed/realized for yourself and your kids, Kelly? You've got all the power in the world here...

Glad to see you're coming back and continuing to post. Hope you've been able to do some reading here too and have looked into Alanon for some f2f support. Keep it up!
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Old 02-03-2016, 08:04 AM
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Love the name yes, I remember those days. Hiding the money. Little did I know but I was powerless the whole time. He would just drink perfume, bodywash, literally anything (blechhh). Hugs to you! Hope you are doing something nice for yourself, even if small.
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Old 02-03-2016, 08:17 AM
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Bless your heart! Yes, that is what they do and that's what he will keep doing regardless of whether you pour out the alcohol at home, confront him about it, your family is broke -- doesn't matter. I remember when I use to do those things. Praise God I don't anymore! It will drive you crazy trying to find the hidden bottles or whatever tricks you try to prevent the A from drinking. These things accomplish one thing and one thing only, driving you mad.

I echo what others have said, please focus on your own well being by attending Alanon or seeking therapy if you can afford it. It will give you the tools you need to maintain peace of mind.

Hugs!!
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Old 02-03-2016, 08:49 AM
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Thanks everyone for your kind words. It is nice to be able to talk somewhere about these things. My sister is the only one I talk to about my AH but I can't even really tell her everything and I feel like I'm bothering her with my problems and her married life is "so perfect". I don't think my husband ever drank mouthwash or cooking wine to get drunk, because if he is that desperate to drink he can always go to one of his buddies houses and they will give him free beer.

I'm very concerned about our tax refund. We should be getting it in a week or two and I don't any of it to be wasted on stupid things. My AH's stupid friend (he's like 50 and recently divorced so every day is party time for him) is trying to convince him to buy drugs (coke) once we get our refund. I really hope he doesn't. AH had been hooked on that crap years ago before we met and don't want him to get started on anything else because the alcohol is bad enough! I told AH he needs to get his license back and wouldn't care how much it would cost to do so. He comes up with "I'll need to pay off a fine, I'll need an breathalyzer in my car, car insurance will be so expensive" basically just excuses. Yet he wants to spend hundreds on some stupid video game system.

I have been working up the courage to go to an al-anon meeting. Right now I'm just reading up as much as I can. I know where the meetings are held in my area.
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Old 02-03-2016, 08:52 AM
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KK, I'm sorry to agree with others, but if your AH wants to drink, he will find a way. Regardless of how few bucks are in the bank account. My STBXAH and I are/were constantly budgeted down to the very penny. Absolutely NO cushion, and essential bills were barely getting paid (and sometimes even those weren't getting paid). But you better believe he ALWAYS found a way to buy beer.
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Old 02-03-2016, 08:55 AM
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He is who he is, Kelly. Right or wrong, better or worse. And rather than waste any time or energy "hoping" that he won't spend your tax refund stupidly, b/c it's a fair bet he will do just that (right? Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior...), is there any way you can squirrel at least part of it away before he gets to it? Start making that escape plan for you and the kids.

Someone here once said "Hope is great, but it's not a plan."
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:04 AM
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Dear KellyK,

In your current situation, I would be formulating a Plan B.

It's only a matter of time before he gets caught drinking and driving again. Then what?

He wants to spend the tax refund on Drugs?

You have children to feed, you are currently living hand to mouth, and he thinks buying some coke is an acceptable idea? I would be searching for a way to make sure that money is used to provide for my family, perhaps I would be buying some grocery store cards or Walmart cards and tucking them aside so that you and your kids do not have to do without.

And then I would be asking myself, what needs to happen next in my life, to assure that myself and kids, do not have to spend the rest of our lives living like this.

Sorry to say, but his life choices are unacceptable. You deserve better.
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:15 AM
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Reading everything you can get your hands on is a good start putting you and your kids first. Posting here is a good start. Knowing where Alanon meetings are is a good start too.
You're a good mom so make sure every decision you make continues to be in the best interest of your children. They can't make decisions for themselves that you can to feed them and keep them safe from your alcoholics poor choices to support his habits. The unfortunate thing about all of this is that their dad WILL put his addiction or addictions before you and them, so it's up to you to do the hard things. You're going to need all the support you can get from those who have been down the path you are on.
I understand how you want to confide in your sister, I've done the same thing, and like you, my sister has had a difficult time relating because she doesn't live with or raise children with an alcoholic. This is where this website and Alanon will be invaluable resources for you -- they ALL get it! Oh, and by the way, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, not even your sisters...just wanted to get that out there.
I raised 4 sons with their alcoholic father. Its lonely and full of heartache. I pray you find the help you need much sooner than I did.
Hugs to you!!
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:20 AM
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I do not know if you currently work outside of the home Kelly, but I would be adding that to the plan B for consideration.

IMHO, if life continues as it currently is, you will be the only responsible parent in this equation, left to support you and your kids.
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:37 AM
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Kelly......at alanon. everyone has been affected by an alcoholic in their lives....there is no judgement....they understand, beyond words.....
You would be welcomed with compassion......

think about it...they ALREADY know how you suffer....no words needed....
After l iving with an active alcoholic.....a person should be equipped to walk into a room full of firebreathing dragons, naked......
Walking into a room of others who have suffered the same things....is like walking into a room full of friends who "Know" you.....

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Old 02-03-2016, 09:54 AM
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It may sound a little twisted, but I am glad when AH and I are flat broke, like now. As long as we have food to get by and the kids have diapers. We literally only have a few bucks in the checking account so that means he can't buy beer
Imagine this same scenario once he adds cocaine to his addiction. Usually that’s when the checking account goes negative and there are no diapers and food or money to buy any.

Plan B needs to be your work in progress.
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Old 02-03-2016, 09:55 AM
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Sounds like you've got nowhere to go but up, and that's great. I think Marie has some fantastic pointers.

Think seriously about separating your finances. I don't know if you can file your taxes seperately, but that might be a good place to start. As said before, he's going to do what he's going to do. You have no control over that. But you do have control over yourself, your actions, and whatever little bit of money you can get your hands on.

Being broke may feel good now, but I'm sure you realize that staying broke isn't a good longterm strategy. Either for your family's well being, or for his sobriety. Even many homeless people still figure out how to drink. Please try not to let your complacency with poverty lull you into an acceptance of this situation. I know you want better, and you deserve better.

Good luck, hon.
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Old 02-03-2016, 10:50 AM
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I agree with what some of you say, I do need a backup plan. I have left the house a few times in the middle of the night when he came home extremely drunk and when I did not want anything to do with him he got angry and started yelling. I'd rather stay at a hotel than bother my sister because she works early in the morning. And I absolutely would not want to go to my parents about it because I'm not very close to them.

We have already agreed to split the tax refund and I plan on buying things the kids and I need and saving a lot of it, either in my own savings account or a hiding place in case I need quick cash.

I haven't worked out of the home since having kids. Daycare in my state is one of the most expensive in the country, and wages here aren't that great. Basically I would be working to put my kids in daycare and I would lose their state health insurance so I would have to pay for that too. I work online making maybe $500 or $600 a month which I usually spend on groceries or bills after he spends several hundred either at the bar or for beer at home.

I didn't mean I like being broke long-term. It's just nice to have a few nights here and there where he isn't drinking.
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Old 02-03-2016, 11:47 AM
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If it were me, I’d try and put either more hours in or more days into the online work and attempt to make more money. Take ½ of that income and give it to my sister to put away in a safe place at her house.

Begin to buy groceries and pay bills from his pay check before it’s all spent on booze and bars.

He’s got it easy with no responsibilities towards food/diapers/clothing and necessities for his family because he relies on your income for that. So what would happen if your income were no more?
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Old 02-03-2016, 12:03 PM
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I agree with everyone about stashing back some funds. I felt badly about it at first - dishonest. Then I realized that 100% of it was being allocated for food, clothing & shelter for DD & chose to think of it as Smart Parenting instead.

I also learned that I will NEVER be without a personal backup plan like that again in my life. Ever. I educate DD that as a strong, independent woman she'll do the same. I teach her that love has no zeros and intentions don't pay the bills. That no matter how long you love someone or how much they express the same to you, you can & should be in charge of yourself financially.

I'm sorry Kelly, but with 5 DUI's under his belt & him entertaining thoughts of adding cocaine to the mix it seems like the handwriting is on the wall already - he's not going to change. But you CAN.
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Old 02-03-2016, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by KellyKapowski View Post
I didn't mean I like being broke long-term. It's just nice to have a few nights here and there where he isn't drinking.
You know Kelly, I think I came off a bit insensitive when I made the comment about you "feeling good". Sorry for that. I know you don't. It's just the better of two crappy options.

I do think, however, that our lives can get so out of control that we often lose sight of longterm goals. I know I did. One incident free weekend felt better than winning the lottery. Now I'm suffering financially in a way that I wouldn't have had I kept my eye more on those long terms goals.

It sounds like you're in a far better head space than I was at that stage. If you start squirreling money away, and researching options, I think things may start look up for you.
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Old 02-03-2016, 02:46 PM
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this life isn't sustainable for you Kelly......not for you, not for the kids. so please think carefully about what plans you might need to make assuming the AH does NOT wake up tomorrow, realize what a dick he's been and never touch another drop of alcohol. because that is quite unlikely.

food and diapers are VERY basic needs....that's surviving, not thriving. and i want to see you and the kids THRIVE. it might take time to get there, but if you start your plans now.............
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Old 02-03-2016, 03:07 PM
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Kelly,

I get it! Wow. Even with many changes in our lives, with my husband working away from home and with no longer using the same bank accounts, it wasn't long ago I was still so very relieved when the money was gone and there was a slight reprieve and my husband was seemingly somewhat lucid for a short bit.

Seems like a very normal feeling.

The rest of the stuff in my life I'm working on, one day at a time, as I'm able. Awareness, acceptance, action. Used to be scary stuff, yet by breaking it down and having others help me see how they did it, it all became doable. My husband is currently working a recovery program and is sober, but that's the tip of the iceberg and I actually had to ramp up my support network to deal with that.

Still... so very normal feelings!!

Ktf
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