Sorry if this is a venting post
I need to speak to people who understand.
I love my husband more than anything in the whole world and would do anything for him. One of my big reasons for getting sober is that I think my marriage will fail if I don't- sooner or later, he'll get fed up of being married to a drunk. And the look of pain, disappointment and sometimes even disgust he would give me after I'd been too drunk was too much for me to bear. I'm on day 17 at the moment.
I wish that I could somehow make him understand how difficult this is for me. Like I mentioned in another thread, he's an A+E (ER) doc. His view of alcoholics is somewhat dim. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He does think I need to stop drinking, and he thinks I should find it easy: 'Just don't drink. It's not hard.'
His plan of not drinking alongside me has fallen by the wayside. I know it's not up to me to tell him not to drink, he doesn't have a problem himself. He's got a friend staying at the moment. Last night they had whisky, which I was not too bothered about as I hate the stuff! But tonight they had prosecco which is my all time favourite drink, and even got me to pour it!
I could see the bubbles rising to the top of the glass, and smell it as well, and I just wanted to leave the room to get away from it. But my husband said I was being antisocial, and so I had to sit at the table while we played a board game, right beside the glasses, he had his glass literally 2cm from my hand and I could smell the wine. I sat watching them drink, and I just felt overwhelmingly awful, with the AV yammering away in my head, as well as angry.
I know that at some point I'm going to have to come to terms with people drinking around me. But this feels like too much, too soon. My husband laughed at me when he noticed I was 'off.' He said: 'did you want some wine?' to which I said, 'of course I wanted it,' and he laughed and said 'tut tut, drinking shouldn't be so important to you.' He then gave me a kiss and his breath smelled of wine which somehow made everything worse.
I've made my excuses and am now in bed while they sit up watching movies. I'm cuddling the dog with the tears pouring down my face. I've got work tomorrow and I know I probably won't sleep well tonight. I'm sorry for the long post, I know you guys understand just how bloody hard this is and how I need to take it one day at a time. I wish my husband was able to as well.