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I love my husband more than anything..

Old 01-31-2016, 03:05 PM
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I love my husband more than anything..

Sorry if this is a venting post I need to speak to people who understand.

I love my husband more than anything in the whole world and would do anything for him. One of my big reasons for getting sober is that I think my marriage will fail if I don't- sooner or later, he'll get fed up of being married to a drunk. And the look of pain, disappointment and sometimes even disgust he would give me after I'd been too drunk was too much for me to bear. I'm on day 17 at the moment.

I wish that I could somehow make him understand how difficult this is for me. Like I mentioned in another thread, he's an A+E (ER) doc. His view of alcoholics is somewhat dim. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He does think I need to stop drinking, and he thinks I should find it easy: 'Just don't drink. It's not hard.'

His plan of not drinking alongside me has fallen by the wayside. I know it's not up to me to tell him not to drink, he doesn't have a problem himself. He's got a friend staying at the moment. Last night they had whisky, which I was not too bothered about as I hate the stuff! But tonight they had prosecco which is my all time favourite drink, and even got me to pour it!

I could see the bubbles rising to the top of the glass, and smell it as well, and I just wanted to leave the room to get away from it. But my husband said I was being antisocial, and so I had to sit at the table while we played a board game, right beside the glasses, he had his glass literally 2cm from my hand and I could smell the wine. I sat watching them drink, and I just felt overwhelmingly awful, with the AV yammering away in my head, as well as angry.

I know that at some point I'm going to have to come to terms with people drinking around me. But this feels like too much, too soon. My husband laughed at me when he noticed I was 'off.' He said: 'did you want some wine?' to which I said, 'of course I wanted it,' and he laughed and said 'tut tut, drinking shouldn't be so important to you.' He then gave me a kiss and his breath smelled of wine which somehow made everything worse.

I've made my excuses and am now in bed while they sit up watching movies. I'm cuddling the dog with the tears pouring down my face. I've got work tomorrow and I know I probably won't sleep well tonight. I'm sorry for the long post, I know you guys understand just how bloody hard this is and how I need to take it one day at a time. I wish my husband was able to as well.
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:21 PM
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What your husband did was at best insensitive and condescending...at worst, his dismisal of your efforts, breaking his promise to support you by not drinking, and then forcing you to sit there while they drank your drink if choice was utterly sadistic and selfish.

Sit him down, tell him you're doing this in large part to better your marriage, and then stake your right to do whatever it takes to stay sober, if that means being "antisocial" or leaving the room or the house or shaving your head.

If he can't respect you on this issue, I think marriage counseling would be in order.

I'm sorry. He was wrong to do that to you.

Sending you and your dog a hug.
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:26 PM
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I agree. A heartfelt talk between the two of you. Normies just don't 'get it', but that doesn't give them license to be cold about it.

I hope you can come to an understanding with him as to how important this is for you to have his support.
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:39 PM
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he's not just being insensitive, but out right cruel. i hope you can talk WITH, share honestly that this IS hard for you.....and his drinking in the house RIGHT NOW, and esp drinking YOUR favorite drink is very tempting at this phase of your recovery.

as far as him "making" you pour, i'm sorry, but that is something for YOU to say NO to. leave the room, find other activities, head out to a meeting. those are things in your control.

if he still keeps acting like a jackass that has to be deeply considered - a partner should at the very least NOT try to sabotage the other's efforts to make positive life changes. its also possible that he's a bit more fond of drinking than you suspected and YOUR not drinking feels threatening to HIS drinking........
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:39 PM
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I agree Least and Aries, his actions tonight were completely unfair and insensitive. The way you describe the evening it sounds as if he was intentionally taunting you.

Try talking to him and letting him know how you felt sitting there.
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Old 01-31-2016, 03:43 PM
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Not cool at all. He obviously isn't inside your head and can't possibly be understanding your struggles with alcohol. I think it would help to sit him down and explain to him why you aren't able to drink, what alcohol does to you and why you can never drink again. If he needs to read an article on it, print it out for him. Whatever you need to do to get though to him. Then I would let him know how you felt tonight so you don't build up
Resentment. Get it all out. I hope he apologizes and I hope you never have to be put in that situation again.
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:17 PM
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maybe he isn't such a prince charming. . . that was pretty mean
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:32 PM
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That story really doesn't show your husband in the best light.

People don't have to understand alcoholism in order for us to quit, but I think our partners need to respect our decisions and our judgement.

A little thoughtfulness would be nice too.

D
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:43 PM
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McFlurry, learning to say 'No' was the single most important thing I did in early recovery. I would have said no to pouring the drinks and no to the board game. You owe it to yourself to do what you need to do and to care for yourself. Your husband will do or not do as he pleases, and in my opinion, you shouldn't spend a minute more worrying about it. Focus on your recovery.
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Old 01-31-2016, 04:46 PM
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I just read this again...he made you pour the wine? I don't even have words for that...I want to make you hot cocoa and then give him a piece of my mind for bullying you, because that's what it was.

It sounds exactly like the kind of stuff my first husband would do. Exactly. And that's the biggest reason he's my ex-husband.

Sending another hug...
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Old 01-31-2016, 06:44 PM
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To me, that doesn't seem how a loving husband should treat his cherished wife.

I guess at some point it doesn't matter if he gets it or not. If he isn't going to support your sobriety at least he shouldn't actively sabotage it. If you were a recovering heroine addict would be ask you to load syringes for his guests?
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Old 01-31-2016, 06:52 PM
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Ummm, that sounds awful! Omg.
Sorry to hear that xoxo
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Old 01-31-2016, 07:58 PM
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It's a shame he doesn't see himself as being part of your recovery team. I'm sorry I don't have much in the way of suggestions, but certainly more talking about the seriousness of your need for support, and his need to respect your decision and get on board.

It's been my experience that couples either grow together or they grow apart. His thoughtlessness certain threatens the latter.

Your sobriety comes first.

Good luck and lean on us, ma'am.
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Old 01-31-2016, 08:35 PM
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Your husband sounds like a dick. I'm so sorry you went through this! I know how fragile we can be in early sobriety. Stay strong
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Old 01-31-2016, 09:02 PM
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My father is a functional alcoholic who sips at beers all day long, rarely gets more than buzzed. My mother is a rager who, once started, will not stop until she's passed out. They eventually split for several reasons, but she stayed sober for many years in spite of his having a kegerator in the basement. He didn't get why this is an issue. I'm not interested in vilifying your husband, and I don't know whether or not he has a problem, but he does deserve to get why him drinking your temptation is an issue. He could very well be the devil, for what I know, but you need to know that having a problem with him placing you in temptation's reach is not something that you're being silly or petty about. Hopefully he just doesn't get it and isn't a huge jerk, but he needs to learn that your temptation being waved in front of you is akin to you being invited to sacrificing everything . . . not for him, not for fun, but for self-destruction.
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Old 01-31-2016, 10:29 PM
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I second Aries reply -- Sending you and your dog a Big hug!!
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Old 01-31-2016, 10:38 PM
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Fair play Mc, you must be extremely strong to survive that ! He just doesn't understand . You need to talk to him and tell him just how bad it got x
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Old 02-01-2016, 02:14 AM
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Thanks for all the replies and hugs x

I've re read my original post and I hope I haven't made my husband out to be a horrible person, really he isn't.

I really don't think any of last night was deliberately meant to taunt or bully me. He literally just doesn't get it. He doesn't have an obsession with wine like me so he didn't even think that me being next to it, smelling it, pouring it etc would be of any concern to me. He's also not good at picking up on others' emotions at all and can sometimes come across as being insensitive without realising it in the slightest. I think it's a family thing. His twin brother's exactly the same but worse, and his dad is in a whole different league. His mum spoiled both the boys terribly when they were young, and they are used to getting their own way. He's got his flaws, as do I, but he is kind, caring and funny, and he does love me.

When I asked him about it last night he seemed to think that it was the same thing as him not having a glass of wine when I and others did because he was about to do a night shift! He just didn't seem to get why that is NOT the case at all!!

But then, later in the night when I couldn't sleep and wanted to get up and have a cup of tea, he got really cross as he seemed convinced I was going to go and drink (even though that was the last thing on my mind) and said 'I'm not putting you to bed again.' Like, totally mixed messages!

I didn't pursue it because it was late when he came to bed and he had to get up for work early today. Think you are right, I'll sit him down tonight and have a serious chat.
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Old 02-01-2016, 02:29 AM
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I'm sorry your husband just doesn't get it.

I hope you will take whatever steos necessary to care for yourself and protect your sobriety.
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Old 02-01-2016, 03:04 AM
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Hi mcflurry, I am sorry that your husband doesn't understand. I have found that for the most part people who are not alcoholics do not understand what it is like. I have tried, until i was blue int he face, to explain what it was like because I really felt like being heard and understood would help me in my recovery. No one gets it, not even those closest to me including my boyfriend and my best friend. So I have had to go ahead without their understanding and lean on others who do get it- such as the members here. However, I did have a very serious talk with my boyfriend and explain to him very clearly what I felt I needed from him in terms of behavior. He may not understand why I can't have alcohol in my home (just don't drink it!) but he has accepted that this is a rule I need to have in order to protect myself and he respects that rule.
You and your husband live to ether so your rules may be different. Maybe you are ok with him having alcohol in the house but it needs to be clear that you will not pour it or serve it, buy it or provide it. It needs to be clear that if you are feeling uncomfortable or uneasy you have the right to politely excuse yourself form the immediate environment.
This requires open and honest conversation on both your parts. It also requires a sacrifice on your husband's part. My boyfriend is a normal drinker. He enjoys a glass of wine with his meals. He has had to make the sacrifice of not having that glass of wine when he is in my house. But he loves me and even if he doesn't completely understand why it is so difficult for me, he respects that rule so as to support me. We cannot expect others to understand nor for them to guess what we need. We have to step up and clearly ask for what it is that we feel will help us on this journey. You say he is not a bad man, just that he doesn't get it. If this is the case, once you explain exactly what it is you need from him it shouldn't be an issue- particularly if he is a non-alcoholic who can take it or leave it.
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