Finding AMY......
I believe that redatlanta has one very key point----the contact that you are having with him is interfering with your recovery....for one thing, you can't even be fully engaged in the grieving process....because your contact is constant intermittent reinforcement.....the most p owerful kind of reinforcement.
I suggest a google search on the concept of "intermittent reinforcement".
You can't arrive at the first step of acceptance, because you are constantly being reinforced to cling to hope that you can still pull it out of the water....
Even if you do go no co ntact, etc. ...it still takes TIME...and, TIME takes time.....
How many years did it take for this to all come about? It will take more than a few weeks to change you whole way of life and your way of thinking......
Even saying this....your particular recovery is being delayed by contact, even more than it n ormally would....
I hesitate to give time lines ....because each person is so very different....but, on average, it is said that it takes 6mo. to a year to gradually feel more comfortable in your own skin after a major l oss......
I think that any of us who have grieved, get it.....it is not a comfortable process....it does suck major rocks and it improves slowly in fits and starts....
One just has to accept that they will be o ut of their comfort zone during this process....
It is short-term pain for long term gain.....
In some ways..I think the death of a spouse may be easier to accept than for a co-dependent to accept the loss of a relationship that is still living and still in their face.....
Because, it is more quickly accepted that you CANNOT CONTROL REALITY....
There is no more hope that the person will return in the flesh....there is no more trying to negotiate a compromise.....
You are doing some good things by alanon and reading, etc. Don't stop...it takes a while (a longer while) to ch ange the pathways in your brain...and your negative self talk, and your life long habits and ways of thinking.....
If you doubt all of this....there are thousands....yes, thousands, of real life stories here, on this forum, that describe these same feelings and conflicts that you are having....
The fact that many others have been where you are and have successfully worked their way through it---proves that it CAN be done!
dandylion