What am I missing?
I have a codependency question. I realize and see very clearly my codependency and I see how I’ve played it out with so many people and situations throughout my life. I really see how detrimental it was to my marriage (but I was not the only factor in its demise). So, as I’ve said my STBAXH of 26 years has moved out and made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be married to me and doesn’t love me. We still work together.
I find that when he does things that do make me feel badly (like ending conversations very abruptly, not telling me info for work I need to do, not taking my calls), that now instead of getting mad, I go to this place of “that wasn’t his intention and I need to not knee jerk into reaction and not take it personally”. But in reality, he doesn’t care and won’t change. And these things do make me feel badly, and rightly so. I need to get to a place where I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And stop trying to “fix” this marriage that isn’t “fixable”. He’s told me so many times. It’s this fear and lack of control I guess that’s driving me to try and fix this.
I know we’ve discussed all of this on my other threads, but my question here is, with all the help (therapy, alanon, readings, prayer, etc.) I just don’t see how the codependency ends. How the self compassion and self love begins. I’m losing faith in the system I think. Does just going to these different meetings and appointments and doing readings just eventually switch something in the brain? When I’m in therapy, or alanon or reading, it all makes sense. I get it, but then I get to doing my daily life and think of him and I’m back to square one. My heart and my head are completely out of sync and am just curious on how they become one. How it happens that just saying “I’m worth more” becomes something I actually believe. How saying I have compassion for myself and did the best I could (which my rational brain knows is a fact) becomes a reality for my heart.
I understand I need to grieve the marriage. And I am. But am I missing a piece to the recovery puzzle, or is it just time and the matter of hearing the same message over and over again? Right now that doesn’t seem to be telling my heart to wise up, expect more, you are wonderful and worth being loved and you are loveable. I am aware that it is a slow process. And I guess looking back I might be a smidgen further along than I was months ago, and maybe that’s what I have to hold on to. But I just feel like I’m missing something.
I keep going back in my head to this place of “if he would just not run away so fast, and allow recovery to happen, then we could look at the marriage and see if we want it to end”. He’s only about 9 months into his recovery, as I guess I am too. And I know I can’t make him do anything, and I need to stay on my side of the street and in my own hula hoop and all of that. And I want to. I want to stop being wanted by someone that doesn’t care about me. I just don’t know when I start to believe my brain that I am worth more. I deserve to be loved—by me and by someone else.
I guess I just woke up frustrated this morning that I still have these same d*mn feelings and just want to wake up one day and not feel this way.