I'm sorry you're hurting, I completely understand that feeling. Keep journaling like this, it helps SO much.
I eventually came to see that it isn't an Either/Or choice between love & alcohol. As hard as it was to understand, his choosing alcohol wasn't an active decision to turn away from love. Just like MY setting & enforcing boundaries wasn't an act against the love I had for him.
I had exhausted myself with efforts that he never even recognized because we were speaking different languages, were focused on entirely different things & locked in our own cycles. I posted about it once after ah AHA discussion with RAH:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nt-enough.html