When I start thinking I could moderate I hear the voice saying things like:
I never got arrested.
I never had relationship problems due to use.
I never had financial problems due to use.
I held the same job for over a decade while I was drinking.
I never hit bottom.
I used to go days, sometimes more, without drinking.
I like to party with friends and I like a good buzz.
I had a good time until I just let myself become miserable.
My friends don't think I'm an alcoholic and don't understand why I quit drinking.
But the truth is:
I was freakin' lucky I never got arrested.
Alcohol made me a narcissist and I'm lucky my wife stuck with me (all previous women did not).
Yes, I kept my job and didn't have financial problems, but I have a union job and got away with it.
Yes, I never hit bottom, but my low was plenty low enough.
Yes, I had periods of sobriety, but they were shorter, fewer, and farther between, and the truth is I had been trying unsuccessfully to quit for over 20 years.
Yes, I like to party and I liked a good buzz, but since getting sober I've been to music camping festivals like Sonic Bloom and I saw SCI over new years eve weekend and had a blast! Without alcohol or other drugs I have more stamina, I'm more mindful of the joy I experience, and I connect with people on a deeper level.
Yes, I did have a good time until I let myself become miserable, but now that I'm not miserable and I'm enjoying sobriety as much or more than I ever enjoyed using, why would I want to go back?
My friends don't think I'm an alcoholic, but they also didn't really know how much I drank, and let's get real - most of them are alcoholics themselves. Even my sisters were in shock. No surprise; they all drink.
I say give it time. You're on this website because you suspect you can't moderate, but obviously you're not sure you're ready to quit. It took me a good six months before I could say I was enjoying sobriety. It takes courage and tenacity. It means caring enough about yourself not to care too much about what your old party friends think. It means rewiring your brain (which takes conscious effort) until the cravings subside and you realize sobriety ROCKS!
At the SCI show (String Cheese Incident), there was a Jellyfish meeting between sets (Jellyfish are clean and sober SCI fans). I met some cool people, connected, talked a bit, and when the music started I went back onto the floor and danced with all kinds of folks, high or not, suspending judgement and loving people with gratitude for their good vibes, and more importantly, loving myself for doing what's right for me. For me, it's a better way to live.