I wasn't sure either. And my OH still drinks like a fish, staggers home and tells me he's not an alcoholic and I wasn't either. Whatever.
I wasn't sure how all this stopping one addictive / compulsive behaviour for another kept happening.
I still wasn't sure after I'd stopped for a month and thought I was going insane without my old crutch to help me wind down as soon as work finished for the week and til I have to get back to it on Monday.
I wasn't sure even when I walked in the doors of AA after being sober for a month, (suffering from washing-machine head and just wanting to wail and melt into a soggy puddle of despair), and really expected them to laugh my arse out of the room because I wasn't an alcoholic. What I found were people who told me I probably was. And to stay sober a day at a time and keep coming back.
I wasn't sure, even when I started going to meetings regularly and listening to how others thought and felt, and thinking 'how did they get in my head?'; and when others experiences tallied with some of my own.
I wasn't sure even when I started to feel that life was pointless without alcohol to cushion me. And when I was going to bed praying that I could just never wake up again. That something could take away these feelings.
I wasn't sure, even when my boss referred me for counselling and I couldn't bring myself to be honest with the counsellor about lots of stuff. Over the weeks I visited and wove a web of deceit (just like the one I wore as my wonder woman cape every day and in every situation). And again when I went to the Doctors and couldn't be honest with him. And when I realised that even my best friends only knew a small % of some of the things I'd done and thought, because I kept myself and my actions hidden from them.
Then one day I was sure. I knew what I needed to do. I finally fully conceded to the fact that I had a problem with alcohol and other addictive behaviour. (This was 6 months into sobriety by the way). That day I got a sponsor and started working the 12-steps. Now my perspective and how I experience my life has altered so much, and I am content and genuinely looking forward to another year ahead, without alcohol.
Sometimes we don't know how ill we are until we start to get better. Talk about a vicious circle hey.
On an Earl Hightower tape I listened to recently, someone asked him "what if I give up alcohol, and later find I didn't need to."
EH laughed and said something like, "With respect, a 'normal' person wouldn't find it necessary to ask that question. If you're not alcoholic and stop drinking, then all you've missed is a few drinks. Big deal. If you're an alcoholic, and you stop drinking, then you'll have missed out on lots more drinks. BIG deal."
If you've come here (even just to express that you're confused about whether you are or are not; whether you should or should not) then you are someone who has more to lose by continuing to drink like you are, than you have by getting sober, and working a program of recovery where you can learn to be comfortable in sobriety. Your AV (addictive voice) will be telling you all sorts of stuff to convince you not to stop, and to justify your drinking (you deserve a drink; what about your drinking friends - they NEED you; no-one will like you sober; you get all your best ideas when you've had a few drinks; maybe if you just changed what / where / who with etc....; but he / she drinks more than me, it's THEM that's got a problem; but I manage to do X Y Z; but nobody else says I've got a problem; I need to celebrate a win / a birthday / an annivesary / a promotion; I need to commiserate a death / my team losing / not getting a promotion; it's great weather for a beer; it's rubbish weather and I need cheering up; I'm bored; I've got too much to do; I've got money to spend; I'm skint, poor me.... (I could go on) . Don't listen to it - it's a liar. They all are. None of those things are improved or made easier with excessive drinking.