Hey (((guys)))
I've been a bit quiet. Just caught up on the thread. Congrstulations to the milestones! Amazing!
Although I'm aware of what's needing my attention to be changed, I'm struggling doing it. Yes, I did drink to deal with the times my husband was gone, doing things without me. I also have major trust issues. I am seeing that the things I find I don't like about myself I am projecting them on my husband like he is doing things I did. I was the one that couldn't be trusted. I had searched for things outside of my marriage. I have lied. I have caused him to feel insecure, doubtful, fearful. Now I feel all these things. Before I started drinking heavily, I was at home with my two babies, while he was out partying it up with his single buddies, doing god knows what. He would come in very late, drunk, usually had been in a fight with someone so that would cause us to fight. I remember the moment I thought I would show him and I would drink and get drunk too. I remember the ultimatum I gave him to either party or be a family man. I remember nothing changing and me drinking, in an attempt to stuff all the feelings. I'm guessing the overwhelming feelings I have now, are of that 23 year old girl that I never dealt with. Now I don't have my booze. Now I don't have my music. Now I don't have the affair to turn to. (Yes, I did that too..so ashamed of that fact.) All of these feelings frozen in time? Seriously? Most days I feel crazy, on the verge of a break down, over the top feelings of just uneasiness. I've got to get past this crap. It is absolutely killing me. Again, I'm not drinking and in no danger of doing so, but I didn't think, in a million years, all this would be waiting for me to handle. No wonder I drank!
Hope everyone had wonderful holidays. I did okay with the drinking part, all of this mess is what keeps me tore up and absulotely nutty acting.
((Hug))