kinzoku

I haven't had a drop since September first, so for that I am proud. But my lifestyle has gotten progressively more sedentary. I used to workout, study, albeit sporadically because of the drink, go out, try new things, and write. It was always on a huge up and down cycle motivated by guilt and dread but it WAS a cycle and it DID propel me. Now I'm not coming on here in any way to condone, or glorify drinking, but merely to state the fact that since I've stopped I've let myself become very unhealthy in my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and simply lazy.

Its very odd and runs counter to what I expected. I know I have motivation and depression issues, its nothing new. But really I'm shocked with how far I've fallen, and just how much time has gone by with me doing literally nothing on my self improvement journey.

I started working on myself maybe four years ago and really trying to improve certain areas of my life and I have to be honest, this patch of time feels like the biggest flatline. Maybe I'm being unfair to myself, I don't know.

I just find that I don't care about anything, don't see a larger future or vision for myself, and it DOES make it hard not to romanticize the past.

I just wanted to get that out, maybe some of you have advice, I don't know. Christmas is coming up and I really don't care at all. I have a big vacation coming up and I really have very little feelings about it. I just feel adrift and hollow.