kinzoku

I haven't had a drop since September first, so for that I am proud. But my lifestyle has gotten progressively more sedentary. I used to workout, study, albeit sporadically because of the drink, go out, try new things, and write. It was always on a huge up and down cycle motivated by guilt and dread but it WAS a cycle and it DID propel me. Now I'm not coming on here in any way to condone, or glorify drinking, but merely to state the fact that since I've stopped I've let myself become very unhealthy in my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and simply lazy.

Its very odd and runs counter to what I expected. I know I have motivation and depression issues, its nothing new. But really I'm shocked with how far I've fallen, and just how much time has gone by with me doing literally nothing on my self improvement journey.

I started working on myself maybe four years ago and really trying to improve certain areas of my life and I have to be honest, this patch of time feels like the biggest flatline. Maybe I'm being unfair to myself, I don't know.

I just find that I don't care about anything, don't see a larger future or vision for myself, and it DOES make it hard not to romanticize the past.

I just wanted to get that out, maybe some of you have advice, I don't know. Christmas is coming up and I really don't care at all. I have a big vacation coming up and I really have very little feelings about it. I just feel adrift and hollow.

FeelingGreat

Hi Kinzoku, do you think you're a little depressed? Drinking can mask that.

I've suffered from depression most of my adult life and although sobriety hasn't changed that it has given me the gift of self-esteem.

Congratulations on being sober since September, which is a fantastic effort. It doesn't give you a free pass on the rest of your life though, so think about small steps you can make to get going again, even if you don't feel like it right now. It's worth talking to your doctor too, and getting some insight from him/her.

kinzoku

I absolutely believe that I am the type of person who suffers from depression. I think drinking was one of my tools, a ****** tool, but a tool, in that fight and maybe I'm noticing its absence.

I agree, sobriety doesn't give me a free pass. I guess I kinda wish it did *laughs*

MidnightBlue

Kinzoku - first, congrats on your sober time. it does have a lot to get there.

But quite a complicated subject you touched here.

I think, in a ways sobriety can be looked upon as a surgery which one is postpoing till there is no choice. Like, it doesnt bother me so much, I still function, but, on the other hand, havaing a surgery will mean a period - and sometime extended - of rehabilitation, drop in "productivity", changing habits, and all the related issues.

But here;s what they have in common - a timely surgery/sobriety may save life and immensely improve quality of the life saved.

When we are drinking there is always escape in alcoholic delusions - runnung aways from fears, deressionm, painful truth and excruciating memories of the past.

You cant run and face the fears at the same time. At some mome one has to stop, and even take a step back.

Sobriety is a grate achievemnt, especially in our wicked society, but still the world doesnt owe us anything.

I can say from my experience - my life si not perfect. I suffered from suicidal depression being about 2 years sober. But because and only because I was sober I climbed out of darkness. And even if sometimes I fall back there once in again, and even sometimes again and again, there is always a new day when I can get up.

4 months are still early sobriety with body and mind healing. It is not that sobriety sucks, its your after-surgery stitches are healing - take it easy on yourself. You have a lot of time to catch up. It was one of my mistakes in early sobriety - I thought that I since I was able to kick out drink, then I had to do all the possible and impossible things within the first year. Nope. Everything has exactly its right space.

Though, it wont hurt to consult a doc about depression - mine helped me.

So, give yourself kudos for a good sobriety job and believe that everything will fall in its place. Just being sober you are working on yourself - its just type of work which is not "loud and explicit" - it goes on inside.

Best wishes to you.

totfit

Any Depression issues aside, I think a lot of us including myself, just expect things to get better after quitting drinking. The reality is that it just allows us to "make" them better.

For me a critical part of the equation is physical exercise and eating healthy. This did not just happen. I had to force myself into activity at first. It did not come naturally and did not feel "great" in the beginning. Same goes for healthy eating. It was a process. Over time however it has become ingrained and the exercise has built upon itself by improving my mood and motivation substantially, thus making everything else easier. I certainly still have my ups and downs and at times lack of motivation, but again I force myself to get moving. It is not always natural. I am not always motivated, but I find once I start moving I always benefit, which again reinforces the behavior.

I think what you are experiencing is totally natural. Before we forced ourselves to do things to "show" we were in control of our drinking. Now it is a matter just to do the same without that factor. You are ok.

JD

Hi kinzoku. I'm two weeks behind you, mid sept. quit date. I'm kind of feeling that way too. I agree with totfit. We now have the opportunity to work through what life throws at us. Before we just numbed it out. It's not easy and does take a conscious effort.

I know I have suffered from depression for most of my adult life. I've decided to talk with a Dr. about possibly going back on meds. If depression is something you've suffered from or you think it might be what you're experiencing now, talk to a Doc. about it.

Soberwolf

Have you considered therapy or counseling for the depression Kinzoku

Soberpotamus

+1

Good for you, Kinzoku, in recognizing that things aren't magically going to click into place. Removing alcohol is a first step. It can take a while to get back on your feet. There's a lot of healing that takes place, even in the brain itself.

Early on I imagined I must be bipolar, phobic, OCD, and all sorts of other disorders. It turned out that I needed a long period of total abstinence (like, forever!) in order to feel "normal" and healthy. Give yourself time.

And if after a while, you still suffer from depression, then maybe go see your doctor. Because sometimes, depression is a real factor. And no one should dissuade you from seeking help for it.

Fly N Buy

I find that many things which seemed appealing to me when drinking simply provided me no interest in sobriety. I attach a deeper meaning to life now and the impulsive grab some fun and let's go mentality has dwindled.

I need to also be cautious of being slothful thinking just be sober is enough. There are voids I need to fill as well.

It just takes time. Slowly, things evolve into something else.

Meditation and spiritual evolution start to fill the hole for me.......

Thank you for the useful thread

FormerWineGirl

Congratulations on your sobriety! I understand how you feel. Like Many people, I thought once I quit drinking everything would be just peachy. For instance, I thought I would suddenly get into a fitness routine, although I have never enjoyed working out. Over the past 15 months, I have learned patience (among many other things). I now appreciate all of the SMALL steps I have made to improve myself, and there have been quite a few. Am I where I want to be? Not quite. But I have made amazing strides, and you will too. It's a marathon, not a sprint. And, I am happier person.

entropy1964

Hi Kinzoku
Congrats on not drinking since September. That is awesome.

You could be experiencing PAWS which is really common. Knowing that doesn't solve it but just know it should pass. If you are clinically depressed then you may need to consider medication. I think what you're starring in the face are the 'causes and conditions' that existed before you discovered that alcohol could relieve some of this stuff....until it stops working of course. If you're like me you'll have to proactively address this stuff through some kind of self discovery/analysis tool.

For me happiness is very much a choice. I have to actively push myself out into the world, things don't just happen on their own. I have to choose to work out, clean my house, eat right, take care of finances, participate in my daughters life. If I don't, well, nothing happens. Then I get depressed. Then I drink.

Maybe look at one thing at a time and focus on improving it. You can do this.

Anna

It's good you recognize that there is an underlying problem, depression, causing you to feel stuck where are in life. I am someone who had depression long before I began drinking, so I needed to get on medication that worked for me before I was able to stop drinking for good.

doggonecarl

You were drinking during those four years. In all honesty, how much improvement did you make in those areas of your life? Maybe some, maybe none. Balance that against the 3-4 months you've been sober. The fact that you haven't drank is a huge improvement. Probably the biggest you've done in four years.

If you hurt yourself and needed physical therapy, do you think a therapist would wait until you were motivated? Till you "felt" like it? NO. You'd start therapy, no matter how uncomfortable you were. It's the same with where you are now. You want out of this unhealthy place? Then start doing healthy stuff...even if you don't feel like it. Let motivation catch up with your improvements.

jryan19982

I found that alcohol worsened my depression and anxiety. I thought it made it better and it was a tough realization. I am short tempered, self loathing, and argumentative when I am drinking to name a few others.

Once I cut out the booze, my depression and anxiety is sooooo much better. I still take the same small dose of wellbutrin that I have taken for years, but now, FINALLY, I feel like it is helping the way it should.

When I picked up the drink again after being sober for a while, my depression comes right back with a vengeance like it has some making up for lost time to do.

Getting outside, getting your heart rate up and getting a good exercise in is extremely helpful as well. But you have to do it. I had to drag myself off the couch to do it... and guess what I felt better after each and every time. It was the getting off the couch part that was the most difficult.

kinzoku

Really, really appreciate all these responses. What I've distilled from them is that recovery is a continual proccess, that I've been sober for a bit but that doesn't give me anything automatically, only the greater oppurtunity to better myself. And that is a powerful thing, but the rest is on me. I will continue to try to better myself, primarily I think eating healthy and exercising are huge, and I will try to check in here more and share because I find it really helpful. Thankyou all very much.

keeppushing

Kinzoku,

I really congratulate you on how well you have done. I just wanted to say two things: a lot of people differentiate between abstinence and sobriety and it takes a lot of work to get from one to the other (see the many other threads). Second is (and I am not a doctor) you are assuming depression as a possible mental health issue. I'd suggest keeping an open mind and letting the doctor tell you, there are a million things out there.

All the best,

KP