First place I thought of going today was here after I talked to my doctor today.
Need to have surgery in January, but speaking to the anesthesiologist today she said she wasn't sure she could clear me for surgery considering my drinking (current) history. She listed the problems I have- 99% of them related to relentless drinking, and said she would talk to the surgeons to make a decision after reviewing my labs and EKG.
I let it get really real now. I don't want to be given up on. I will learn to honor myself.