Thomas45,
Thank you for your detailed reply which gave me a lot to consider. I do believe I am displaying co-dependant tendencies - need to undo that as part of my own therapy. I am on the waiting list to speak with a counsellor.
With regards your question about 'information I keep from him' - it really is trivial stuff such as spending a little extra here and there and not telling him if I've treated family members as he would cast it up in a later (drunken) conversation - he sometimes feels as though he is a 'financial institution' (his term). I earn too and I definitely live within my means so think it's just alcohol impacting negatively on his thoughts.
His first wife was rather skilled at spending his hard earned cash and this may have caused some bitterness. He is actually a very generous guy ordinarily.
You are right about us living apart not being conducive to a happy relationship. We met where I live and where I currently hold down a job. I have family ties in the area so not keen to leave and less so now that I need my support network around. He couldn't find any employment in the area for his line of work so this was the only option for us to travel - many other couples can survive long distance but I guess not with the added complications of addiction and infidelity.
I have discovered something new today. I thought the alcohol was my biggest concern and the infidelity was a by-product but, I'm actually finding now that I feel just as strongly about this issue - have just buried it. I find it totally unacceptable and have never behaved that way but I forgave him because he was drunk - how ridiculous !
Thanks again, I'm so grateful (and surprised!) that there are people out there willing to take time to counsel newbies like myself, I really do appreciate all the feedback.