Hello and welcome to the forum Hummer.
Originally Posted by
Hummer 
I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc
This caught my eye, I was wondering if you would be willing to elaborate. If you don't want to, that is okay, it's just that this is a very vague statement about what you keep from him. When you say you keep information from him that could set him off, that could range from something as innocent as spending a few extra dollars on a present for yourself to something as serious as having an extramarital affair. The advice that you receive really could change a lot depending on the circumstances. That being said, it is quite common for drunk people to have heightened emotions and reactions to events and memories from the past, and sooner or later even 'happy drunks' change into 'unhappy drunks' somewhere down the line.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
This is a classic mistake that a lot of well-meaning people make, myself included with my ex wife who is an alcoholic. The problem with this kind of thinking is that you are applying a rational solution to an irrational disease. You want him to only drink on weekends and on social occasions because you are not an alcoholic and you have the ability to approach drinking with rationality and moderation. He simply can't do that, long term alcohol consumption seriously degrades an individual's sense of self control. You are trying to make rules for him to follow around something that he can not control - being an addict. And by doing so, you are trying to control or moderate his behavior - which causes him to be resentful. Nobody likes the feeling that someone else is trying to control them to do something they don't want to do, it isn't a nice feeling. This is why ultimatums and joint rules around drinking and behavior often backfire, because they start a cycle of resentment and negativity from the person being controlled which then spreads through other aspects of the relationship.
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you
I think these things speak rather loudly that he isn't ready to change and doesn't want to change. The only person you have control over is yourself - we can't make other people change, the only person who has the ability to change his life is him, and it will only happen if his own desire for change becomes stronger than the lifelong pull of his addiction. This is why you may often hear about letting addicts hit their "rock bottom," because that is the only point at which an addict truly becomes aware of how much their addiction has negatively impacted their life.
You are married but not living together and this isn't exactly a normal living situation. The number one environmental indicator for happy, long term relationships is closeness, proximity. Is your line of work unavailable in his city? Is his line of work unavailable in your city? Or is this arrangement his decision?
I agree with Lexie in that you recognize what you need to do for yourself but you are stalling. Giving multiple "final" chances is not healthy for either of you: it reinforces his ability to continue living the way he does, and it degrades your own sense of self worth and self respect. Ask yourself what is more important: your mental health and self respect, or putting on a farce for friends and holidays. If you want to give him this last final chance that is entirely within your right to do so, but I would advise that you ask yourself "has he actually done anything to show that he is genuine in wanting to get on top of his addiction and truly change his life?" Is he going into AA meetings and rehab and asking you to see him through, or is he asking you to stick around with the hope that he might get serious about it in the future? If he isn't in rehab and AA right now, what is stopping him from going?
Just a last note on his infidelity tendencies - you've caught him twice already. That's just what you found out, there is the possibility that there's been more that he's been able to hide. There's an old saying: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... well, I'm sure you know the rest. The most important thing to do through this is remember to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Don't let your desire to fix him surpass your ability to love and respect yourself.