Originally Posted by Hummer

Hello everybody, I am going to attempt my first post and will try keep to the point as I am in dire need of opinions from all you guys on here who have more first hand experience of what I'm going through than any of my well meaning friends do.
I am 42 and husband 48. We have been married 3 and a half years (together 6) and I discovered his drink problem 2 and a half years ago.
He is a lovely man and even drunk he doesn't get abusive - the suffering I am going through is the emotional sort and I have never had so much drama nor anxiety in my life ever. Our relationship is beginning to lack in intimacy. I keep information from him at times as it can be turned back at me when he has had a drink and becomes negative believing he is hard done by in situations etc he works extremely hard and has a very good job and his working life has so far gone unaffected by his alcohol addiction.
In the beginning we tried to get him to stop drinking at harmful levels - we agreed that he would never drink on weekdays, never alone ( as 90% of his drinking is done alone) and only ever while we were out with friends at social occasions.
I opened a bank statement of his six months later as I had suspicions that nothing had changed and his drinking habits were same as before and I discovered that was true. He was very annoyed that I had done this and now doesn't trust me!
October last year he asked me to look on his iPad and when I did I saw a dating agency website with all of him details filled in - I was horrified. Things hadn't been going well but I still didn't expect that. We managed somehow to get passed it and I put it behind us.
I should mention that we live separately due to work and live 400miles apart - we spend every other week together and also extra weekends here and there and also holidays. The reason I mention this is because this arrangement provides him with ideal circumstances to drink secretly which will always be a source of suspicion and worry for me.
In April of this year (6months after the dating website) I discovered texts on his phone from a female - cosy, supportive texts with lots of kisses. He had deleted his part of the conversation so I have no idea what he was saying to her. At the time this happened it was our 3rd wedding anniversary and his eldest daughter was unwell in hospital. He begged for another chance and somehow again we moved on.
I have found evidence of drinking when I go to our home near his work and I know he hasn't stopped as he would lose the weight around his middle if he did. He is a wine drinker and could easily polish off 3 bottles in an eve - maybe more.
In May this year I had reached a place where I wanted no more of this life of stress and worry and worry of what kind of future we would have.
I told him that I was walking away if alcohol was to remain a part of his life. He agreed he would stop as he knew I was serious but there is definitely resentment for this - and because I insisted upon this and not that he wanted to stop I knew there was high likelihood that it wouldn't last...and it didn't.
When I discovered that the drinking continues to be a big part of his life and that I have to be true to my word and leave as I said I would but we had several commitments to see through with visitors travelling long distance to visit us so I kept a lid on things.
We also had a holiday booked for both of our birthdays - we got back last week and I thought I could keep a lid on things until Christmas had passed for the sake of everyone including our children - we don't have any children together, I have one adult daughter who is due to give birth any minute and he has 3 young adult daughters from a previous marriage. During our holiday he caught food poisoning - I had to go to the restaurant alone several evenings. I would be gone 30-40 mins max and when I returned to our room he would be drunk , eyes rolling , lying on couch trying to watch tv. He was asleep and snoring by 7.30pm each evening! Again, not the future I want. Like I'm his minder and responsible for him. I have spent many years alone with my daughter before she left home- I am not afraid to do it just deeply saddened and worried about his future. He is begging for a final chance to go into recovery and prove himself.
I really, honestly can not say whether I want this anymore? I feel I am too tired for any more. On the other hand would it be wrong of me not to give him this final chance and maybe we would have a good marriage once again. I feel it's a huge risk to go back but it feels awful to not have a concrete answer form him as he is not coping well in this period of limbo - I also feel bad that Christmas is just two weeks away - what on earth should I do?? I know I have to figure it out but I would really appreciate any comments/options and experience you all may have?
Thank you