Hi sourbaby,
Just want to say I understand your feelings. I'm new to this site and to recovery as well, and I also have a mix of thoughts going through my head. I've always suffered with anxiety, restlessness, a feeling of being different and separate from the rest of world - since I was a kid and before I started drinking. I have no doubt these issues are what made alcohol so magical to me. When I was in my late teens I struggled with cocaine use for a few years but I stopped that completely at 21 (I'm 27 now). But my alcohol use seriously set in after that. I also smoke cigarettes and am addicted to caffeine.
I don't have the answers but I wanted to show some solidarity. I'm struggling too. I guess we all have our reasons which gave way to substance abuse. On a post of mine, someone advised dealing with one thing at a time, because I posted about being so overwhelmed with my multitude of issues. I hope when I get some sober time behind me, my anxiety and depression issues will ease enough, to be dealt with separately at some stage. Perhaps this advice will be of some use to you too? Taking it one day at a time, focusing on not using at the moment, with the anticipation that the rest will at some point fall into place.
Feel free to message me if you like. We're at the same beginning stage with similar concerns.
Amber