Hard to believe its almost been a year since I started posting here.
It's been a lot of change, emotion, work and everything in between in that time.
The house is almost closing, it's pretty much empty. It's been a lot of work going through everything, and finding so many things. So many decisions to have made. My sister really stepped up and carried a lot of weight. More than she should have, in some ways.
In terms of my own self, there's still a lot going on. I'm realizing just how much I've changed in these 11 years past. I'm still feeling very without a rudder. But even recognizing that is progress. Part of that feeling still lies in my issues with trusting my own judgement, living in fears, people pleasing/conflict avoiding/diffusing behaviours, rigidity and need for control.
I'm also learning how much I need to work on my communication skills. They've really suffered as a combination of my own nature, and again, these past 11 years.
One thing that's been made clear to me by my dad and sister, as well as myself is that I certainly have a lot more space and less complication for me to start making those changes. Of course, that came at a price, a very painful one.
I'm still dealing with a lot of regret as well. It's hard to look back at the times when she was here, and I (kinda) helped in the garden, but couldve enjoyed it more. Or those last days in the hospital, just sitting there reading even after she had made note of it and asked to spend some time. But I couldn't and didn't. And so it is a fine balance between being kind to myself because those times were hard, and also recognizing those things I couldve (and therefore can learn for the future from) been better at. Also, I know it's important to remember that it wasn't always that way either.
I do think of this place often, and I hope you all are doing well, or at least better in some way. I think it's probably a good idea to keep posting, as a way to keep myself in touch with ideas of recovery, both in terms of my own behaviours and issues in relation to my experiences with my mum, and also in terms of dealing with the grief of it all, cause surprise surprise, I've not been much allowing myself to do that.