Aellyce

I will also second this, pretty much what I was thinking after reading your OP, Jeff, even without looking at the responses.

I'm not usually as careful as Dee with sharing my unsolicited analyses and interpretations even knowing that they are not always welcome, unbiased or helpful in a certain phase or moment, but I think sometimes very direct and straight feedback is more useful than unconditional acceptance, especially in groups where we can receive a variety of responses, especially when it comes to something as serious as playing with substance addiction. So here goes. I have been feeling a vibe/pattern like what Dee pointed out from pretty much the earliest times when you started posting here on SR, manifesting in a few ways and you also acknowledged that you are sensitive when it comes to other people's opinions and reactions to you. The thing is, we all are to various extends, that vulnerability is totally normal part of being human, given that it is our nature to be highly responsive to all kinds of interpersonal relations. Also, most of us want to fit in and belong somewhere and are very willing to adjust our behaviors to earn the acceptance and positive regard of others. The problem (one problem) with addiction is that this feature also gets severely distorted in active addicts and when we experiment with trying to get "just a little" of our DOC. The whole palette of how we become very manipulative and often abusive when we are drinking/using is a good example: we definitely stop caring how others perceive us and relate to us in order to get what we want...

Wanting acceptance, attention, admiration etc is part of normal life. Why not earn stably the company and admiration of sober people then, or even normal drinkers but in forms that does not have anything to do with drinking? This is a frequently recurring theme here on SR, that people wonder how to handle situations where drinking by others is involved, and what those drinkers will think if we do not drink alcohol. Imo, it is true that we can be vulnerable to potential judgment in those situations and are afraid of it, but much more importantly, I think it's more an excuse to get what we want: the influence of alcohol. I think most of us who had/have a drinking problem seek that far more than any company of friends, family, whatever relationship or status -- why addiction causes so much damage and so many losses in our lives.

I also resonate with those that raised the points about the learning experiences... in my mind, that's another form of thinking that serves to "protect" us from facing the consequences of playing with fire. I personally see it as a form of intellectualizing our wishes and loopholes -- something I was extremely prone and to be honest, still am sometimes when I think back to all the years spent drinking. It's hard to admit and accept it was completely useless and not something that made me into a wiser person because I battled it.

Anyhow, I don't want to go on too long dissecting it, but I felt like sharing these thoughts because I see a repetitive pattern here that is probably not only in my head and perception. It's okay to feel frustrated and angry at having the kind of problems we do and that it requires such drastic measures to stay away from it. It's okay to resent whatever caused the problem and wanting it undone. But there are other ways to act out that resentment and frustration than turning it to ourselves and harming ourselves (and eventually others as well) in the process, you know? In a way, you see this is exactly what I am doing here, making these comments to you. It's definitely fueled by hating what my drinking has done in my life and could do if I gave it any chance in the future. Same feeling for others who are dealing with the same.

You have so much to offer others, Jeff, beyond and above being a drinking buddy!