lack of self-esteem and self-love are generally huge issues for us drinkers
That's where I would start--in fact, that is where I started and my life has
improved quite a bit just from that
Feeling desire isn't shameful at all. . . it is healthy and it doesn't sound like
you are getting those needs met. That is a marriage problem,and not just you.
There are many approaches if one doesn't ring true for you,
but it does sound like you could do with some face support of one type or another.
Have you begun looking into resources in your area?