You can hash and rehash the awfulness.
You can speculate all day on what may happen to your life, your circumstances.
You can float along in the current ofinancial shame and self hatred and fear and misery.
You can project all manner of catastrophe ahead.
Or....
You can get busy, actively pursuing change in your life to get and stay sober and build a life so much better that you'll look back on all this with gratitude.
The choice is yours.