Originally Posted by
enfinthechange 
I just think I have broken it beyond repair...we have been together 20 years and somethings not quite right. ...he thinks everything is fine... but I've not felt right for ages... something I need I'm jot getting? Affection maybe, love, lust, respect? ??? I find it hard to know my own mind, I'm always wrong anyway.... we drink together coz we always have... it makes us have fun, so we think. .. if we don't have a nasty argument. I mostly goto bed alone as he's watching TV more, often cry myself to sleep with frustration. ... he knows that too.
A few weeks ago at a family do his brother and wife asked me why I always defer to my husband and always ask his permission... I wasn't aware I did, but it's habit so I don't make him cross. That's not normal is it? ????
We can't split up coz of the kids, no one has ever split up before in our families.... I just want him back to how he was... but he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.... and now I have cracked after drinking wed, Thurs and Friday night... I had 10 pints and some vodka redbulls before I went off with the lad... I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. I did keep saying no, got to stop, but was to pissed to actually stop , he was very insistent and of course part of me wanted to. More guilt there then...
Just hope your Friday wasn't that bad!!! Coke is a horrid drug too, so I wish u luck. .. I have a friend who ditched that as his skin felt like spiders were on it at night and he never slept + awful....
Will help you all they way! Good luck and have a nice Sunday! X
Oh Wow! Reading your last post was like reading a chapter out of our lives. We drink/ use together also.. Because we always have. We thought we were having fun too.. I now know different. He is far more moody on a comedown where as I am more emotional, constantly walking on eggshells so as not to make him angry.
I understand why you strayed. You are not happy right now in yourself or in your relationship but don't give up without knowing what it would be like with sobriety. You might find things drastically improve.
I've never had the spider crawling thing, I think that might be crack or heroin. Just a 7 year cloudy haze that I need to get away from. I think the first 2 weeks will be the hardest so looking forward to crossing of the alcohol/ cocaine free days. I would say that if your husband refuses to quit drinking and is affecting your recovery, you need to seriously question your relationship. You have to put yourself first, I know breaking family traditions Can be hard but trying to get yourself out of an alcohol fuelled coma will be harder. Do what's right for you... Hopefully your husband will jump on the recovery train when he realises he actually may lose you.