Hey Enfin.
So sorry to read about your trouble. As others have said, it will be ok you know but only if you stop boozing.
I have no wise words for you except to say that I inflicted lots of similar stuff on my poor wife. She had every reason to kick me out but she didn't. I remember the crushing shame of my escapades. Now 5 years sober and that stuff doesn't happen any more. My wife trusts me again and we are happy.
You sound lovely by the way. I don't think you are the destructive person you describe, just someone who shouldn't drink. You are in good company here!
Please don't despair, things can change for the better so quickly.