Hi enfin,
I'm guessing that since you said "a husband that now hates me" you either told him or think he's been informed by someone that saw you in the alley. I know the feeling of wishing I didn't exist because of monumentally stupid, heart breaking soul destroying things I've done to myself or kids. It's so hard to get passed the self-hatred when we mess up on the level that has the ability to destroy lives. Hopefully your kids don't know and you can work on fixing the things that brought you to the point where you thought even for a fleeting moment that a quickie in the alley was a good idea.
Your life has taken a significant impact and even though you may feel it's over, it isn't. I don't know if you can approach the guy concerned and ask him to keep it quiet until you figure out what youre going to do? You say people saw you guys, maybe they didnt see your faces?
Either way, the despair and absolute self-hatred youre feeling right now many of us have felt before. Youre right, if it wasn't for alcohol you probably wouldn't have done it, but it's happened.
Actions speak louder than words, I know for me the longer that gap got between me and alcohol, the more my loved ones started to look a me through new eyes. They saw that I was actively changing the things that caused them pain. I was working on the things that caused me pain and therefore caused me to drink. Somewhere down the line they started to have faith in me again and my dignity was recovering from many a shame filled night.
I could go on and on but I wont. I just want you to know that you can and will recover from this but youre going to have to address the issues that caused it to happen in the first place and do some genuine heartfelt work.
Thinking about ya... good luck