Please give me wisdom
He has done it again. And I am a walking zombie of sadness and physical, emotional pain.
A little background information.
My daughters father and I were together for two years for which he was sober. I met him when he was just a few months sober, however I have never used. We had a great two years and he was a great father to my daughter until he relapsed in November of 2013 (Opiates)
It has been a blur of nightmares since then. Rehabs, Detoxes, Jail, Homelessness. Not to mention he got a one night stand pregnant. And yes, everyone, I did forgive him and when he recently began to get serious about becoming a family and getting sober again, I stupidly took him back. He is about two months sober at this point, and we have been doing great. I have our daughter but we had been visiting and speaking on the phone and he would tell me how much he loved and missed me, even writing me letters that were pages long about how he wanted to get married and was so sorry for everything he had done.
Well, this past Monday I noticed something odd on his facebook so I asked him who this girl who was posting was. He went totally defensive and told me I was being crazy, so I decided to take a few days of no talking so I could think about what was going on. I asked him yesterday if he was talking to this woman. He simply responded, Yes, but i dont want that to effect me and you talking about ---- (our daughter). This girl apparently has a child of her own and is also in recovery, by the way.
I completely lost it. After three years of waiting, hoping, praying, hanging on. Giving him any emotional support he needed and forgiving him for all that he had done, knowing it was the sickness making him do it. He does this to me. OUT OF LEFT FIELD. I am so confused. I feel like I can't breathe. I am sobbing out of control, barely able to concentrate on my nursing school. I can't understand how he would choose her over someone who has been there through every step, jail, rehab, homeless, EVERYTHING. I WAS THERE. WHY?
Does he love her that much already that he can just cut me off?
I am so lost. Please someone, give me a reason an addict would do this, anything to make me feel the least bit better. I haven't eaten since yesterday and the pain is unbearable.