Please give me wisdom

Old 11-26-2015, 06:11 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 11
Please give me wisdom

He has done it again. And I am a walking zombie of sadness and physical, emotional pain.

A little background information.

My daughters father and I were together for two years for which he was sober. I met him when he was just a few months sober, however I have never used. We had a great two years and he was a great father to my daughter until he relapsed in November of 2013 (Opiates)

It has been a blur of nightmares since then. Rehabs, Detoxes, Jail, Homelessness. Not to mention he got a one night stand pregnant. And yes, everyone, I did forgive him and when he recently began to get serious about becoming a family and getting sober again, I stupidly took him back. He is about two months sober at this point, and we have been doing great. I have our daughter but we had been visiting and speaking on the phone and he would tell me how much he loved and missed me, even writing me letters that were pages long about how he wanted to get married and was so sorry for everything he had done.

Well, this past Monday I noticed something odd on his facebook so I asked him who this girl who was posting was. He went totally defensive and told me I was being crazy, so I decided to take a few days of no talking so I could think about what was going on. I asked him yesterday if he was talking to this woman. He simply responded, Yes, but i dont want that to effect me and you talking about ---- (our daughter). This girl apparently has a child of her own and is also in recovery, by the way.

I completely lost it. After three years of waiting, hoping, praying, hanging on. Giving him any emotional support he needed and forgiving him for all that he had done, knowing it was the sickness making him do it. He does this to me. OUT OF LEFT FIELD. I am so confused. I feel like I can't breathe. I am sobbing out of control, barely able to concentrate on my nursing school. I can't understand how he would choose her over someone who has been there through every step, jail, rehab, homeless, EVERYTHING. I WAS THERE. WHY?

Does he love her that much already that he can just cut me off?


I am so lost. Please someone, give me a reason an addict would do this, anything to make me feel the least bit better. I haven't eaten since yesterday and the pain is unbearable.
AlG330 is offline  
Old 11-26-2015, 06:47 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. Welcome to the Board. I am a neighbor of yours from the Merrimack Valley, and it pains me to see you suffering like this on Thanksgiving. But you've done the right thing by reaching out. So, here's my take for what it's worth.

He is not two months "sober". He has abstained from using for two months There is a difference. Sobriety and recovery is much more than not using. It's about the acceptance of responsibility and being accountable, first to themselves, and then to those who love them. From what you describe, this man is decidedly not sober.

As for the other girl, it's important you understand that sick attracts sick. And if she were truly in recovery, she wouldn't put herself into a situation where she's involved with another woman's man. It reflects that her boundaries are quite permeable. And that's the thing with addicts; their boundaries totally suck. They totally give themselves permission to do things healthy people wouldn't do.

So, what to do? Normally, I don't like to give that sort of advice, but in situations like yours, I make an exception.

Ditch him. Dump him. Lose him. Be f*cking done with him. Now. He has impregnated another woman in the past. He is probably doing something inappropriate with this other chick. You have a daughter that needs a responsible parent. You are in nursing school in order to better yourself. And life is simply too short to be brought down by people whose only concern is the stimulation of the pleasure centers in their brains, whether it's by using opiates or banging people other than their significant others.

Believe it or not, dumping his arse could actually be considered an act of kindness, because you'd be showing him that actions have consequences.

I encourage you to stick around here for support. I also encourage you to check out an Al Anon meeting within the Boston area. There are a ton of them, and I think in-person support would be a big help to you right now.

Anyways, I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But I hope you take comfort in the fact that we have a lot of women here at FFSA who've been in situations similar to yours and lived to tell the tale. You will, too, even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 11-26-2015, 08:13 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
MyJoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Just sending out a hug of support. It's my son that's the addict in my life. Honey all I can ask is do you want a life time of this ? I know it hurts but it will get easier if you move on now and save yourself years of pain. (((Hugs))))
MyJoey is offline  
Old 11-26-2015, 09:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
My own husband ran with another girl after I did all of these things. My opinion is that the answer is veey simple: selfishness. They see what they want and they take it. Another answer could be that the other woman is a "better enabler" which means like zoso says... She has much weaker boundaries.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I could have written your post. It is almost scary how similar your situation is to mine. Hugs.
Lily1918 is offline  
Old 11-27-2015, 09:46 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
 
cynical one's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I know this hurts, and we have all been there in some form or other.

Originally Posted by AlG330 View Post
... knowing it was the sickness making him do it. He does this to me. OUT OF LEFT FIELD.
The first thing I would like to point out is- it is NOT the sickness making him do this. It's just who he is.

And, the second thing is- it really wasn't out of left field was it? Cause he's done it before. Again, just because of who he is.

We teach them well.

Not saying this is your fault or responsibility. But, you stuck it out through addiction, homelessness, jail, getting another gal preggers, rehab & detox...why would he think you wouldn't stick it out through yet another relationship with FB girl?

Sit with your feelings, grieve for who you thought he was, or who you thought he could be. But, then see the reality of who. he. is.

Maybe in time he can be a responsible father to your daughter. But, no longer allow him to treat her mom with so much disrespect. You both deserve more and better.

Welcome to the board.
cynical one is offline  
Old 11-27-2015, 10:22 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
zombob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
Wish I could give wisdom too (or get some)..but it comes with a price. I get some foresight from the F&F section here but still have to walk through it. Stay strong and don't let your association rub off on you. Drop it like it's hot (it is) and go forth....
zombob is offline  
Old 11-28-2015, 09:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
JOIE12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
You've probably begun to realize that you cannot change him. You cannot make him want to be decent and clean. You cannot get him to love you the way that you need.

And we see a lifetime of this - over and over and over - for you.

It will end when you want more. Please reach out and start today. Make one boundary and go forward. Don't look back, he will most likely never change and how long would you have to wait anyways ? Life can be so beautiful - make today 'that' day. Hugs to you, Joie
JOIE12 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:13 PM.