lillamy

I don't know, Stung.
I mean, at the end of the day, it's all about choices.
There'll always be someone telling you what's right and what's wrong in their mind, but they're not the ones who have to live your life. You are.

So all I can do is tell you my viewpoint, based on my experiences. Which are different from yours. My alcoholic marriage was also abusive, and my ex had some pretty serious mental illness problems separate from his alcoholism. I think tthat may actually make things more black and white -- there was never a "but what if he gets sober and I've robbed my kids of having both their parents in a great marriage" thought because there wasn't one but several strikes against even a sober AXH.

And maybe that's the big difference. I never had to consider "maybe he'll get sober and it'll get better" because honestly, by the time I left, I knew that would never happen. Not even the "getting sober" part.

When I was contemplating leaving him, someone said something to me that I've used afterwards too, for situations I found myself in: "If it never got better; if this is what you would be living with for the rest of your life -- would you be contented with that choice?"

I will tell you that building a new life after the alcoholic marriage has not been easy. I found a man-companion-husband who meets my needs and knows me inside and out. There is still the step-parent situation AND the fallout of the kids having grown up with an alcoholic father to contend with. It's been hell at times, but it's been a constructive hell; a hell with a light at the end of the tunnel; a hell that it felt worth working my tail off for getting straightened out. Because at the end of the day, regardless of what's been going on, I get to crawl into bed with a partner who pulls his weight (and then some) in our relationship. Not someone who needs coddling and reassurance and boundaries and reminders. Not someone who drains my energy but someone who replenishes it.

I don't know where I would be without the support he has provided.

And I think the question I would ask you is -- for whose benefit are you considering keeping up the separated-but-married business?

Is it to somehow continue supporting your AH's move towards sobriety (being his caretaker)? Or is it because "it's better for the children"? (Is it better for the children? Even if it's a lie?)

I think your question in one of your posts is really profound and really important:
My oldest, who was moved out when I remarried, has said several times that "I envy my siblings who get to see first-hand what a loving marriage looks like. I never had that, and I don't know how to do something I've never seen modeled for me."

Young kids are always going to want their parents together. My youngest wanted us to get back together until I sat her down and tried to understand what it was she was missing. And she said "well, I don't want to LIVE with Dad the way he is right now, and I don't want his drinking and anger, but I also don't want my parents to be divorced. Somehow, she had already at age 8 or so developed a full-blown codie thinking where "if only my parents stay together Dad will stop drinking and we'll all live happily ever after."

I don't know what the right answer is for you. But I kind of think you'll figure it out the same way you've gotten to this point -- you've been incredibly thoughtful and patient and not rushed anything. I really believe in you.