Early recovery sure is tough, I was pretty nasty towards my wife for 3-4 months till the program started sinking in. I was perfectly happy to rub her face in it using Alanon terminology in front of the marriage counsellor & had no tolerance whatever for her raw early sobriety nerves. "She's the one who was drinking, etc.." it took a lot of program work to get my claws off her and start to practice the 3 G's (get off her back, get out of her way, get on with my life). Takes a lot of program work to keep doing it too
I owe her a 9th step amends and am totally willing but my sponsor and I think I am not ready, theres a lot more to gain awareness of and I think its likely getting into it with my wife would be painful for her at present. My sponsor is very firm that my program cannot be at the expense of anyone else's pain- so meantime I have living amends to my behavior to work on. The formal 9th step with her will happen when its ready.