Originally Posted by
schnappi99 
I've found the isolation difficult because I get the feeling I'm waking up emotionally and theres the wall between us. I can talk about it carefully with her, see if she's feeling that I'm adding to it or if I'm being accepting but theres not much to safely & easily talk about- theres a lot of anxiety and pain in her that I have to be careful of. Whether the wall will stay or not who knows. I find it kind of painful to see the same disengagement with our 9yr old daughter- she's starting to wonder about what puberty is, whats a period etc- I get those conversations, I work with all the homework, get her on the bus etc. For years before recovery I frequently put the screws to my wife often up to demanding that she participate in the household (without success) so I'm not doing <that> anymore. I guess I keep hoping she'll re-engage on her own, but every evening she's on her laptop watching the evening comedy central and/or knitting and usually comes to bed long after I'm asleep.
I have to watch my expectations & desires let things be as they are. I don't see the win opting for a separation & divorce w/ a 9yr old daughter in the balance, just so I can date again and be emotionally & physically intimate with another woman. Its possible I'd make the "once she's off at college" argument in 10 years but thats pretty major future-tripping so not worth the time spent thinking of it.
I don't want to live in limbo, but I'm grateful that she's not drinking and passed out on the couch tonight, and hasn't been for almost 2 years now. I'm grateful that we can go on a datenight, even though its pretty limited- many people don't have even that. I'm grateful we can talk about neutral topics without it turning into a fight every time. I'm <really> grateful I have my program and my books and my speaker recordings and my sponsor and my friends in my homegroup- I get a measure of emotional intimacy there- I'm not alone anymore even if I go to sleep by myself most nights.
Nowadays I'm going with Chuck C. All I <need> is to love unconditionally and be of service, do the things for free and for fun, and not be so sure I know what I need. They say I'll get a life beyond my dreams that way. Right now its a lot better than it was & thats pretty good.
Thank you so much for your share. A lot of what you said resonates with me, which is kind of funny because a lot of your wife's shares usually resonate with me.
My AH and I go on date nights about twice a month and for the most part we can talk about neutral subjects without conflict. And I play the "well what we have is better than a lot of other people" game in my mind too - he actually does a lot of stuff that my other mommy friends wish their husband's would do. My AH complains that he doesn't feel a connection with me. I don't feel one with him either, but I'm too hurt by everything he's done and continues to do (your wife has 2 years of sobriety...my AH has about 3 weeks right now).
My 4 year old noticed a few months ago that I took my wedding rings off and she's old enough to know what wedding rings mean and what they're for and she told me that it made her sad that I took mine off, so I put them back on. Kids are very intuitive and that makes me flip flop on this as well. Am I more concerned with their parents being "together" (although basically disconnected from one another) or am I more interested in showing them what a loving, invested, mutual relationship could look like if I was with someone willing to put that effort in?
I keep circling back to the fact that I emotionally want more and that I want my daughters to know that what I have isn't enough for me and I don't want them to settle for this as adults either. I frequently run into quotes about how we should "be the adult you want your children to become" and what I am now, the life that I'm settling for now...really isn't what I want for me or them. It's comfortable enough, I guess. I don't enjoy this relationship, my AH doesn't enjoy it. What are we modeling for our kids? KWIM? It's not miserable but is that the goal in a relationship: not miserable = acceptable?
I agree, my life and marriage is a lot better than it was. I'm not guessing at my own "potential" but I feel like there is more for me, if I want it. IDK. I also circle back around with the justification that these years (young kids + marriage) are supposed to be difficult, these are the work years and later on down the road come the gravy years. But the addition of addiction (young kids + marriage + addiction), especially addiction that has not been thus far arrested, makes it more than work, it's life draining. Life draining for all in contact with the addict.
