I've found the isolation difficult because I get the feeling I'm waking up emotionally and theres the wall between us. I can talk about it carefully with her, see if she's feeling that I'm adding to it or if I'm being accepting but theres not much to safely & easily talk about- theres a lot of anxiety and pain in her that I have to be careful of. Whether the wall will stay or not who knows. I find it kind of painful to see the same disengagement with our 9yr old daughter- she's starting to wonder about what puberty is, whats a period etc- I get those conversations, I work with all the homework, get her on the bus etc. For years before recovery I frequently put the screws to my wife often up to demanding that she participate in the household (without success) so I'm not doing <that> anymore. I guess I keep hoping she'll re-engage on her own, but every evening she's on her laptop watching the evening comedy central and/or knitting and usually comes to bed long after I'm asleep.
I have to watch my expectations & desires let things be as they are. I don't see the win opting for a separation & divorce w/ a 9yr old daughter in the balance, just so I can date again and be emotionally & physically intimate with another woman. Its possible I'd make the "once she's off at college" argument in 10 years but thats pretty major future-tripping so not worth the time spent thinking of it.
I don't want to live in limbo, but I'm grateful that she's not drinking and passed out on the couch tonight, and hasn't been for almost 2 years now. I'm grateful that we can go on a datenight, even though its pretty limited- many people don't have even that. I'm grateful we can talk about neutral topics without it turning into a fight every time. I'm <really> grateful I have my program and my books and my speaker recordings and my sponsor and my friends in my homegroup- I get a measure of emotional intimacy there- I'm not alone anymore even if I go to sleep by myself most nights.
Nowadays I'm going with Chuck C. All I <need> is to love unconditionally and be of service, do the things for free and for fun, and not be so sure I know what I need. They say I'll get a life beyond my dreams that way. Right now its a lot better than it was & thats pretty good.