It's funny the more I read it the more I change it, it really is therapeutic!
This is the current up dated version
I have made myself feel so bad just wanting us back, I have made myself feel completely not good enough for u!
the way u treated me since September has been despicable, our relationship was in tatters because of the decisions we both made and the things I accepted. drugs and alcohol had consumed you, I enabled you and I am truly sorry for my part in this. I can safely say I hate addiction, drugs it all,I accept my bad choices to do with them, the way they have consumed and taken. the excuses and justifications I believed out of your mouth and mine.
I was and am so hurt and upset that you justified texting this other girl, only you can make yourself happy. There is no excuse. This shattered and broke my heart and I nearly let it destroy me. In reality it should of been you begging for me back!! I'm not insane I am a human being admittedly my reaction to having my life ripped out from beneath my feet was not all too composed, but give me a break. We were my everything.
I will not make myself feel bad about wanting you back no more, I'm human I love you and this not to put emotional pressure on you, this is a fact to me and I am just stating a fact. of course I'm going to want the man I love back, my best friend, of course it's going to hurt, I tried so hard,for us. I have and had so much faith in us. I wanted and still do want to enjoy life with you. I can only hope and pray one day you have these same beliefs. All I hoped for you was to beat the disease with us. enjoy doing 'normal' family stuff with me and O. Enjoy spending time with us,enjoy spending time together as a couple, as we enjoy spending time with you. I just hoped our lives would grow with each other - together. it hurts that I have no choice in you not being a part of that. I don't regret having you in my life, I look back on happier times when you enriched my life so much!
I will get past the hurt and pain, the regret, the if only I had done that.i cannot demonise you as the route of all my problems, I stood by you after you fukd of I made choices,I am no victim to my own decisions, I volunteered to this outcome, Blaming gets us no where. I cannot be in denial that none of this has not happened. I never intentionally meant to judge you,criticise you, I just loved u accepted you as you,I tried to encourage you, we all make our own decisions. My intentions were only ever good.
We all play a part in our own and other peoples problems, and I never intentionally wanted to make you feel bad or pressurise you or make you feel trapped, I am truly sorry for any part I played. all your excuses and justifications, wrong. all the hurt and guilt you had,I had as if it was my fault,my failing.
But i can't change that for u, I can't help you see that, I can only change how I feel and what I do. I do still love u, it's happened, it hurts,I'm grieving, I'm slowly letting go. I can't turn you into the man I see in you,behind the disease.
I have to let you go as much as I want you back.
I'm no angel, but Me and O deserve and I want someone that wants us and me ,will love us regardless of our flaws. wants to spend time with us, wants to do 'normal' family stuff, wants a life with us, someone who will respect us, care for us. Someone who wants to go on holiday, days out, walks and adventures. Someone that wants us for us. Someone that will prove that to us, be loyal to us through good times and bad,someone that will be there always for us. Someone who wants to experience everything with me, I want to go places see things enjoy life! I hoped and prayed so much that man was you, I have only myself to blame for imposing my expectation on to you. This is not meant as emotional blackmail, this is my promise to myself that I will be that person to. I can only pray for you, that you achieve and become all you can be.
I know I have gone back on my promises recently that my emotions have consumed my actions, but above is what I want, a healthy relationship I know I have to work on myself to achieve this, and it does hurt that we can't have this together, I want nothing more in the world but for us to have this. I'm not perfect and I never expected you to be, we all make mistakes and I don't count you as one of mine. I hate that addiction, drugs and alcohol has taken this life away with you. But only I can change what I get out of life! No matter how spoiled are past's may be our futures are spotless!
Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.
know I am praying for you and your recovery and if you need to call on me, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year I am always here!
Love always
Xx