ichabod

My husband is in his 6th year of recovery. Despite the hell we went through together, our lives and relationship couldn't be better. We are proof that a relationship can be rescued and that life can be good again. It took a lot of work but it was worth it.

My son suffers from Major Depressive Disorder. He was recently hospitalized for a week after having a breakdown at his college. During that week, he confessed that he too is an alcoholic and I have to admit that I was completely blindsided and crushed by this. Depression, ok. Alcoholism? Sent me into a heaping, weeping, pile of total mess. I feel so selfish because my first reaction, rather than worry, was, "I can't do this again." I honestly didn't see anything other than normal 21 year old drinking with him. When he's home, he doesn't drink at all and this summer he spent pretty much every moment he wasn't at work hanging out with us. He says he is a binger, and I believe that. He doesn't drink daily but when he does it's 10+ drinks and blackout.

The good news is that he's now in intensive outpatient therapy (3 hours a day, 3 times a week, for the next 6 weeks) with other dual diagnosis young people. I know that this will be helpful but I also know that life continues after that 6 weeks. He is in a different state and although he had to drop his courses this semester he wants to go back next semester. He's a senior. All I want to do is gather him up and bring him home, but I know I can't do that (he's a big boy) and the worry is really eating at me. I know how alcoholics are, and that every one of them will tell you what you want to hear rather than what is reality. I know that I can't trust what he says. He says he hasn't been drinking. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't.

My husband has been an absolute saint through this. He's handling it far better than I am and said something like, "I never really understood how you felt until now." I wish he didn't have to understand. When I collapse, he takes care of me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I think I just needed to tell someone. The family knows about the hospitalization but not about the alcoholism. I'm not ready to talk about it. The worst part is that although I know this isn't my fault, I feel like a failure as a parent.