First husband, then son...just need to vent/confess

Old 11-22-2015, 08:43 AM
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First husband, then son...just need to vent/confess

My husband is in his 6th year of recovery. Despite the hell we went through together, our lives and relationship couldn't be better. We are proof that a relationship can be rescued and that life can be good again. It took a lot of work but it was worth it.

My son suffers from Major Depressive Disorder. He was recently hospitalized for a week after having a breakdown at his college. During that week, he confessed that he too is an alcoholic and I have to admit that I was completely blindsided and crushed by this. Depression, ok. Alcoholism? Sent me into a heaping, weeping, pile of total mess. I feel so selfish because my first reaction, rather than worry, was, "I can't do this again." I honestly didn't see anything other than normal 21 year old drinking with him. When he's home, he doesn't drink at all and this summer he spent pretty much every moment he wasn't at work hanging out with us. He says he is a binger, and I believe that. He doesn't drink daily but when he does it's 10+ drinks and blackout.

The good news is that he's now in intensive outpatient therapy (3 hours a day, 3 times a week, for the next 6 weeks) with other dual diagnosis young people. I know that this will be helpful but I also know that life continues after that 6 weeks. He is in a different state and although he had to drop his courses this semester he wants to go back next semester. He's a senior. All I want to do is gather him up and bring him home, but I know I can't do that (he's a big boy) and the worry is really eating at me. I know how alcoholics are, and that every one of them will tell you what you want to hear rather than what is reality. I know that I can't trust what he says. He says he hasn't been drinking. Maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't.

My husband has been an absolute saint through this. He's handling it far better than I am and said something like, "I never really understood how you felt until now." I wish he didn't have to understand. When I collapse, he takes care of me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I think I just needed to tell someone. The family knows about the hospitalization but not about the alcoholism. I'm not ready to talk about it. The worst part is that although I know this isn't my fault, I feel like a failure as a parent.
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Old 11-22-2015, 08:52 AM
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I'm sure it has been shocking and upsetting for you, but to me this situation looks fairly hopeful. He has identified his problem at an early age. My first husband got sober at 21 and he hasn't had a drink in almost 36 years.

Of course, that doesn't mean it will be all smooth sailing, but I think it's very promising that he reached out for help on his own and that he is doing what he needs to do to get his act together.

Having him at home wouldn't help either one of you. This is something he has to face alone, but having a loving family rooting for him--especially with a dad who is a good role model for recovery--will help immeasurably.

Don't for one second let yourself entertain guilt feelings. You couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Better he discovers and deals with it now, rather than years down the road when his life is more complicated, possibly with a family to be responsible for.

Hugs!
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Old 11-22-2015, 09:16 AM
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I agree with Lexies wise words.... and I am wishing the very best for you and your family.

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Old 11-22-2015, 10:14 AM
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^ ditto. The BEST thing you can do is to get help for yourself-not enable him. Wishing you the best!!
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Old 11-22-2015, 05:03 PM
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Thank you all. Lexie, I read that over and over (and will continue to). I want to hope but trained myself a long time ago not to. So hard, but I know that there's little I can do. So, so hard.
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Old 11-22-2015, 07:02 PM
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ichabod, things are probably different for your son that they were for your husband at the same age. He's getting expert age-appropriate treatment and has the best chance of recovery.

Not all A's are the same. He drank to relieve his feelings and, without getting your hopes up or predicting what will happen, the treatment for depression might take away the need to drink.

My nephew went through severe anxiety in his senior year, got expert treatment, and, although he will always have the condition, has learned to keep it under control and monitor himself. He now has a lovely wife, a great career and a cute little boy.
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